I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.


Social Anxiety, Procrastination And A Beautiful Post

English: Anxiety meme

English: Anxiety meme (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I thought of putting all my thoughts into one post (to make up for lost time) and not the normal one thought per post thing that I usually do. It makes the job of writing a lot easier (really).

So it’s about my insufferable social anxiety, the awkward multiplication of my procrastination level and a beautiful post I just read just after not being on my blog for about, let’s say hmm..  a week. Which I am not really proud about. Not only did I fail to post regularly and post consistent content to my readers (if I had any, but if I do – here’s a fist bump *bump* ), I also violated my post-a-day new year’s resolution. Which again I am not proud about.

Anxiety sucks you know? It really sucks. I can say I’m a fairly confident person. I can go up to a McDonald’s counter and order a Big Mac, I could go to a 24/7 convenience store and order an Axe roll on or I could even start witty conversations with the older people (which I don’t like really much). But here’s when that supposedly existing confidence goes. It goes down the drain. Wait.. what drain? .. Exactly! (It goes down to nowhere, that’s how elusive this confidence is!!) It goes away when I’m about (or know that I am about) to be in social contact with someone. Someone my own age, a bit older or younger. This even goes to greater heights when with a girl. It could be the shy ones, or the energetic all-about-themselves ones.

Anxiety - Stress ... Time management vital for...

I just can’t stand it! I walk up to the person, and you know what I do? I rapidly conjure plans of what to do, predictions and after effects of what I would say or could. Somehow, I amaze myself to my ability to process this, when compared to when I try to use a function on a Math exam and that is even a harder task. My mind doesn’t even work as fast as I do as to the “pre-socializing” stage of socializing. If you have a fix for this, oh please! Comment below!

Okay we all know how procrastination is such a girl dog. Such a dang nabbit girl dog!! It always gets in the way and I’m sure we’ve all experienced this. It’s unbelievable how mom and dad withstood this wall of procrastination and be who they are today. Dad works hours, and does not procrastinate a bit nor does mom give up her paper work for the Oscars (oh yah by the way, GO JENNIFER LAWRENCE! Even though you tripped on the way up, you still looked hot!! wooott!!)

“Castle Ivan” My creation. A project that took almost 6 hours to work on.

On a previous post of mine, I mentioned “Minecraft” and how it took most of my times. Well, now it’s doubled and it has become harder to do the things that I usually do before finding it out. I barely read now. I haven’t opened a book for the past three days (horrible). But I did get to build epic structures, and I feel very proud of myself!

Earlier I mentioned that, I haven’t been here for a week or so. And when I did think of coming over, I never expected anything awesome or life changing. Turns out, it wasn’t at all what I expected. I passed by a post written by a friend, who’s been in the blogging business for longer than I. She wrote about struggle. About beauty, and how beautiful people do not just happen. I had to comment on that and say what I felt. It was extremely, to the points of the atmospheres limits and the universe’s limits.. epic! There was just a small speck of perfect there in that post (really… you got to read it!) It was like an understanding of what we should all be knowing and realizing. About the formation of selves, and how pain instead should be embraced and seen as an opportunity to be better.

If you didn’t know, as of now I live in extreme recluse. I’m not in college yet, nor do I have friends that still exist here in the middle east. Most either have forgotten me, or are already busy with their futures. But during these reclusive times, I’ve become a young philosopher. I’ve grown to the habit of thinking, predicting and studying the emotions and faces of people. Of how life works.. and all that! But I do agree, the information that I do carry isn’t as great as the awesome philosophers that preceded me years and years back.

And “Ate Apple’s” post just really hit me there.. it did! To me, it was like an epic philosophical discovery.. I’m sure some would see it just as another post but it was different for me. (Especially for me.. I’m still a new kid in this world)

So you’ve got to read it! Take it in and understand. Thanks for reading guys.

Links :

To Castle Ivan’s original post on Minecraftforum.net! (Click to see other pictures around the Castle!) – Click Here!

Ate Apple’s (Little Cartographer) post, on Beautiful Struggle – Click Here!