I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.

Advertisements

A Mental Note : FOCUS

13214790_1176845059001216_1824933109_o
These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 

 

DECLUTTERING FACEBOOK

102165565-facebook-530x298

I was on my bed scrolling down and up through my Facebook timeline a while ago and it hit me – I’m literally walking in a sea of strangers. This made me think of how social media has made it so easy for people to come into our lives and for them to allow others into theirs so quickly. Not realizing how detrimental it is to real life and substantial connections.

With that thought I went in a mode of “decluttering” my facebook profile. So there I went unfriending and unfollowing (for acquaintances LOL) until I felt that scrolling up and down wasn’t that useless already.

Before I move on to my deeper thoughts here’s my checklist before unfriending/unfollowing someone:

1. ) You’re someone who I think won’t care for what I do

2.) You post uninteresting things. On a note it’s subjective.

3.) I just don’t know you.

Side note : I won’t because I think you’re cool.

On to the main show…

I actually did this because my timeline started to become a place of longing and fear. Longing for things I wish could happen in my life (which I needed to work on and be patient for) from people who I didn’t know or may not even care about me. Fear because this form of social media wasn’t social to me at all. Because all the people I cared about were drowned in a sea of people whom I thought I knew or were just plain strangers. And if facebook was all about connecting people you cared about I wasn’t able to do that.

I did this because I wanted connectivity and substance. To be part of things that the people I cared about cared about (what?) and see more of what I cared about in general. If I were to do this I needed to take off the weeds for new growth of something better.

So if you’re reading this and you have no affiliation with me on Facebook unfriend me. We’d both be doing ourselves a favor.

Thanks for reading!

I kinda wish I was more careful with accepting requests before. Here’s a song that I listened to while writing this. 

 

 

 

Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head

I remember when I was around 8 years old during parent-teacher meetings. My teachers would always complain how talkative I was in class. But right now, 11 years after, I am the complete opposite and is right now wondering why!

I can’t even care much about running a conversation with anyone and it’s been a pain to do so. And when times arrive where I have to be my best self I just fall of short of things to say. It’s as if my mind isn’t even functioning like it’s suppose to. I used to be so talkative! WHY NOW? WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST?

That’s why I came up with that title over there, “Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head“. And then I started to think about myself 11 – 10 years back. How can I be mature but then be my 8 year old self at the same time? Here’s three points that I came up with :

1.) Intuitive – I was very intuitive as a kid, I did things because I knew how it was done but I can’t necessarily explain it well. Even talking with others! I just said what I wanted to say. The issue right now is the issue of appropriateness. Overtime I learned the ways but right now I shouldn’t be over thinking it. Just be REAL!

2.) Fearless – One thing I can vouch for was how assertive I was. I knew what I wanted and I would do anything to get it! (Which had downsides because I was sort of a brat, but a smart brat haha!) I should have a little more confidence in myself. No more thinking thrice.

3.) Careless – Literally careless of everything, most of everything at least. I wasn’t much of a savage to not know my limits, I had a pretty high E.Q as a kid if you didn’t know.

In this generation where social media takes over and everyone’s becoming more self conscious of themselves and what people think of them it’s hard not get caught up in all of it. Which is now my mission to care less! But also care more for the things and people that matter to me.

I was thinking of having just three because it sounded and looked like the perfect number but let me sneak one in.

4.) Never Sweat The Small Stuff – All of the above was because of my pure confidence and whenever adversity crept through my life as a kid I’d just shrug it off. It’s a thing my mom always told me and I to her as well “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”

Be Happy Alone

11193361_10153166109186413_3284166787851818335_n

Cover photo of Last Dinosaurs’ latest single, Evie. I loved this one because it has some optical illusion going on, have a closer look at it yourself 

This will be a short one due to the limited minutes I have here in this cozy yet lonely cafe. Usually it’d be filled with students from the college across the street which I jokingly may call savages because once they get into a game with their peers time isn’t of the essence anymore not even morals.

I’ve touched on this subject multiple times and I just can’t seem to get over it. It’s a mix of personal and unchangeable variables that keep intact every time I think about it, which is the happiness and sadness of being alone. I don’t consider myself completely alone – right now I can because of summer being such a long drag and everyone’s just doing their own thing and me still existing in the same old dorm that I stayed in for the past two years. I long for a change of scene and it’s not happening.

I always like to believe that there would be much better things for me beyond my current predicament, which obviously, would be true even for anyone as time goes by aaaandd even though I constantly fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.

I find myself in pity thinking of my current social life, so much potential! But almost completely wasted. Deep inside though, I can’t truly blame myself for it, I’m literally in a place where people such as I go through a filter of bias with no expectation by the locals to even fit in. Despite me being the same nationality as everyone else, people still don’t seem to understand that and continue on with their lives treating me, rather poorly, as “one” of them. Now to that I can say I’m alone.

*Leaves booth and extends time left to an hour*

It’s not a completely sad story really, in fact it isn’t even a sad one. It’s only sad if you see the depressing part of it or simply seeing anything about being alone depressing and sad. As an individual I don’t really find myself scared or fearful, I know I can make things happen for me at times when I need to, I don’t even find myself anti-social in any form. And as of this moment I’ve made peace with the facts that life isn’t always going to be easy or expected to be and all it really takes is time and a certain mindset filled with compassion, inspiration, focus and thankfulness for what you have right NOW. And to that I can say I’m pretty happy alone.

Truly in the end, all that matters is how much you can handle being alone. To the point where happiness can be found anywhere by yourself or from others. It becomes an option because of all the varieties out there!

One piece of advice – don’t do the same thing again and again! Once you feel the monotony from doing one thing do something else, because the worse thing you can get caught in is in your own thoughts (Monotony does that!).

Being alone right now, I can tell, that your BEST friend would be your mind and you need to constantly lead it to the right track. Unless you want to go crazy

20 Facts About Me

Edit
Credits to a Friend of mine

I don’t think I’ve raised enough influence for people to even care about these but hey to think of it, it’s actually more of a “for me” kind of thing. I ended up learning a few things about myself whilst writing. Andddd It was typical for people to write a few words, so I did the complete opposite.

First of all I was tagged on Facebook by my good friend AJ (Bruhhh!) and another friend Angel. If ever they read this, god bless both of you! So Here it goes!

  • I find happiness in recluse. It’s even more confusing how I interchange this with the opposite of having a lot of people around. But since I’ve been this way most of the time, it’s where I channel most of my happiness.
  • I’m in ways a deep thinker. I often find myself digging into deeper concepts of simple ideas at any given time, but I love it.
  • I revel in seeing the potential of others. I find myself duly impressed by the numbers of possibilities people can do as particulars and universals. To see the possible outcomes of each friend and stranger is, to me, highly interesting.
  • I have a thirst for speed. In more specific terms, efficiency. Every time I learn a new thing, the first thing that comes to my mind is “How the heck do I get this done faster??” Then I go into a process of attempting to do so until finally I give up to doing some more solid research through the vast internetz.
  • I’m abstracrete. It’s not a real word, but a combination of abstract and concrete. I find myself between two of these which is sometimes a problem, either I become too real or too unreal.
  • I love designing. It could be anything, chairs, a car, etc. It’s so good because it allows me to translate all my ideas whether it has been done before or subjectively novel.
  • I love to sketch. I could have said draw but sketching is so different, it’s a natural connection between the mind and hand. It’s loose and expressive, that’s why. I’m pretty sure some of you might know what I mean
  • I’m a tester. I literally test, basically experiment with things. Try to see the outcomes of them since I’ve never tried them before.
  • I love architecture. Art to me could never be as expressive as Architecture. It’s a living art, it breathes and speaks, simply an extension of nature.
  • I’m into music. I spent awhile trying to sentence this out right without having to imply a complete endless unbiased love for music, because of two things – I don’t, 2nd I just deep inside me don’t. But I do listen to music a lot, have you ever heard of The Strokes? The Drums? And anymore bands that start with The? Haha
  • I’m passionate. I sometimes amaze myself when I am, I memorize pictures, I finish projects quick and I become an idea machine, probably the next Vitruvius. But passion is what runs me, and it works for everything. Now the sad and deadly part, when I lose it
  • I have a thing for books. I’m not a book expert and I can’t tell you my top 100 book authors and each line they wrote best, but I love books. The smell, the information, the imagery its subtle reeling touch to the author’s mind for the reader to experience
  • I have a thing for writing. Honestly, influenced by how sentences were beautifully patterned and written down, I swear words to me are like images and I just love looking at them, interacting with it and understanding them. But then you wouldn’t call me a grammar nazi or a writing nerd.
  • I’m perceptive. I try to see things in new ways and past them, I’m not THAT innovative yet but maybe that’s just what I think, for now.
  • I love COLORS. I can appreciate a bad drawing with beautifully composed colors and not an intricate near perfection line drawing with more or less crappy chosen colors. That’s just how I go (yohw!)
  • I’m complex. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Usually how I see beauty is between the complexity of things and its simple counter parts. That’s why in Architecture I don’t find complex ideas amazing but rather complex ideas designed in a simple way which I I’m trying oh so hard to achieve.
  • I’m a frequent study-er of people. I often analyze the movements and actions of people, trying to figure out why they truly did certain actions, what influenced the expression or the end thought, the composition of the bones that composed the action etc. which is kind of awkward when I accidentally stare at someone and they look and I just glance away. I am so bad. Please don’t mistake this as being a stalker. And then again, you can’t call me a physicist or a psychologist  in any way.
  • I am a doer of so many things and a master of none. I could say I’m sufficiently good at drawing, but I just try so many things that I tend to not master any one.
  • I’m a Geek. Not a nerd, a Geek. Due to my fluctuating thoughts I cannot know everything which makes me a non-nerd but I still find the smallest things interesting, but I’m a Geek because of my passion for the hobbies that I have. I know stuff about Speedcubing, Drawing and Painting, Design and other things that get me passionate. Basically, I’m a nerd for specific things and not the entire universe. To think of it, I should be none. Geeks don’t call themselves geeks, yikess!
  • Lastly, I love bringing people together. I like to take a group of people willing to participate in an activity that encourages creativity and awesome dooblidoos! And being a part of it

So that my friends are 20 facts about me. Now I nominate YOU to write your own. Just don’t forget to say that  “Ivan” told me to *winks* Goodbye!

I Think She’s My Soul Mate

Okay, so most probably Mom (or Dad) would be reading this, so hi Mom! Or Dad. Not that I’m expecting them to see it, if at all costs I’d rather hide this blog in some sort online vault with the most complicated password but then again I’m not insinuating that I’m entirely embarrassed of confessing my feelings here on this blog post about the person that I’ll be talking about today or tonight, wherever YOU are around the world. I’m actually pretty excited to put this down into words. AND sorry for that really long sentence, grammatically wrong but I’d prefer to get the point out there.

Meeting your soul mate is most probably the rarest thing to happen, I mean it’s not everyday you get to meet a person literally, let me repeat that LITERALLY the same as you. Putting into context the different mother and father that participated into bringing a child to this earth given that both parents are mutually strangers, chances are that someone there actually thinks the same way as you do is pretty rad, and freaky at the same time (the good kind). Cooler (freakier) than that is that you actually meet them. For me, I met her in college, ironically in a course that I considered to be my soul mate. (It’s Architecture by the way *winks*)

Her name’s pretty cool, so cool that I decided to keep it a secret from you knobby fellows who steal names for no valid reason at all. Given (again) that such burglars of names exist, I’d rather keep my guard up and seal her name down to the bones. Davy Jones? Too deep. But here’s what I can say, it’s a lovely name.

I posted months ago about my ideal girl(friend) stating facts and truths existing deep in my heart and soul, you could read it here and to my astonishment she fit. She literally fit the category, and I wasn’t even looking for her! Would you believe that? Love that was never found, FOUND! She fit so good that if I were to have a perfect shoe size, she’d be the one! (She IS not a shoe so please, back off. In case you’re thinking that *grins*)

To simplify her into a list, I’d most probably have a huge grocery list of only the stuff I want and all of them I NEED, which is extra nice. Imagine having a divinely proportioned meal balancing junk food and veggies, it’s like having a gourmet meal three times a day!

But realistically speaking, she’s everything that I most probably want and NEED in the future. I’ve read somewhere online that most people find their life partners at around the ages of 16-18+ and I think I hit a gold mine. She most probably is! Not that I’m jumping into conclusions or anything, nor am I saying all of this without putting into account the left side of my brain, it’s just that the solution fits! Logically she’s the one, romantically she still is the one! What else could I ask for?

She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s pretty, she’s most probably the greatest architect I’ve ever met (will meet that is when we do both become architects!) and she’s so much like the golden section! Read more here. She’s a boy scout (Yes, not a girl scout. She’s one of the females who got that chance to be one in her batch and she took it! That is so cool!!!!!) and she is definitely more resourceful than me! She’s open minded, logical and adventurous. And so many things! She’s like a cave that I want to explore and see the treasures inside, she’s a paradise!

I most probably will be judged by my clouded perspective since common sense of today says that when you’re in love you don’t really take into account the bads but screw that, in economics scarcity doesn’t exist with me and her, and the opportunity vs cost between her and I tips to the left more than to the right. So yes, she’s my Soul Mate.

One thing about love is that, you can never give some. You give it in full or you don’t, you take a risk and see what happens. No one can predict the future, and besides love not given in full is like eating chicken half cooked, and that’s bad.

Let me ask, what’s your “kind” of soul mate?