A Mental Note : FOCUS

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These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 

 

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On Failing and Keeping up Schedules

         It’s the start of the summer and new year’s resolutions aren’t going well as of the moment which makes me think how unreliable starts of the years are for me, which is kind of bad – actually no, it is bad! And I’ve been keeping up with hopefully achieving all these resolutions like getting better at Math, getting a bit more organized etc. for the past 3 years, which at the same time ago I never really cared about.

Okay, so, right, I don’t really have a knack for math. Yes, Math – specifically Calculus – even though any Mathematical topic before that I never did well – Or a knack for waking up early to go to a math class. And right now I’m suffering the consequences. It’s like reading a good book but then quitting in the middle because man it just isn’t good enough, or worse you’re not good enough for the book. I failed math.

I failed Math bad. It’s scary and depressing to think about. Firstly I just wasted a year’s worth of Math in terms of money, and my parent’s money that is, and I took one off from the limit of three fails of a Major before getting kicked out of the Architecture program. And listen, this is even worse, I failed another subject – solely because our professor couldn’t disseminate exam schedules. Two times I’ve walked into class completely flustered as to why my peers were writing stuff on a “blue” book and as I looked into them,their eyes were just as confused as I was. Luckily, this summer, a petition was made to have that class again for those who failed and those who didn’t deserve to.

Thinking this through, definitely, it is heartbreaking and any student who tries hard to keep up with a completely busy schedule whilst not failing would feel complete crap. I felt that way, and I’m feeling that way. I haven’t even told my parents but I will in a while, because you should be brave in the face of adversity! Wow Ivan, great going. Inspiration ftw! 

If you’re a college student and about to pick some subjects. Do NOT take subjects that you completely suck at in the morning. By morning I mean, unreasonably early. It’s nice to have a cushion between subjects, just like having a great breakfast – which I believe should be blueberry pancakes, a warm cup of coffee plus some of those organic stuff to contrast the decadent sweetness and heavenly nature of those blueberry pancakes – would start your day off just perfect.

And I’m keeping up a schedule now. This blog has been an on and off thing and I’m deciding that this summer break would be a change for me. So I’ll be conjuring something  up every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday! Which is awesome because man 4 is a cool number and I have some motivation to write more.

Here’s one way to look at failure

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas A. Edison

Failing sucks and if you’ve ever failed some point in your life may it be big or small, do let me know in the comments!

And If you found this one a fun read, I’d be very grateful if you shared this on your Facebook, twitter or email to anyone who’d like to read it. Thanks!