I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.

Advertisements

People not Objects

38620614

I just recently lost something really important to me. I’ve never put in so much care and dedication to one thing and losing it was a huge blow. It was so weird to realize how much it actually affected me, it put me in a state of anger, hatred and negativity that it took me off guard.

Looking back I’m actually thankful that it happened. It opened my eyes to how much value I give to material things and how toxic it was. To a point out of anger I told my girlfriend it was more important than her – and that was wrong. SO WRONG. How can such a small thing make say things like that – objects are objects and people are people. They are not the same thing nor should they both have equal importance.

This experience has led me to rethink my life. To rethink how things affect how I feel and what truly matters to me. Today I let go of that, let go of the materialistic identity and transfer all the focus I had on it into things that truly matter the MOST. And that’s to my family, loved ones and people.

Deeply I am saddened. Saddened that I lost something that I worked really hard to get and experienced so many awesome events with it. But really all it was a medium to those experiences, as long as I’ve kept those everything’s fine.

So in the next time I do work for something – it’s not going to be about the value of it, but it’s the value I make with it.

A Mental Note : FOCUS

13214790_1176845059001216_1824933109_o
These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 

 

DECLUTTERING FACEBOOK

102165565-facebook-530x298

I was on my bed scrolling down and up through my Facebook timeline a while ago and it hit me – I’m literally walking in a sea of strangers. This made me think of how social media has made it so easy for people to come into our lives and for them to allow others into theirs so quickly. Not realizing how detrimental it is to real life and substantial connections.

With that thought I went in a mode of “decluttering” my facebook profile. So there I went unfriending and unfollowing (for acquaintances LOL) until I felt that scrolling up and down wasn’t that useless already.

Before I move on to my deeper thoughts here’s my checklist before unfriending/unfollowing someone:

1. ) You’re someone who I think won’t care for what I do

2.) You post uninteresting things. On a note it’s subjective.

3.) I just don’t know you.

Side note : I won’t because I think you’re cool.

On to the main show…

I actually did this because my timeline started to become a place of longing and fear. Longing for things I wish could happen in my life (which I needed to work on and be patient for) from people who I didn’t know or may not even care about me. Fear because this form of social media wasn’t social to me at all. Because all the people I cared about were drowned in a sea of people whom I thought I knew or were just plain strangers. And if facebook was all about connecting people you cared about I wasn’t able to do that.

I did this because I wanted connectivity and substance. To be part of things that the people I cared about cared about (what?) and see more of what I cared about in general. If I were to do this I needed to take off the weeds for new growth of something better.

So if you’re reading this and you have no affiliation with me on Facebook unfriend me. We’d both be doing ourselves a favor.

Thanks for reading!

I kinda wish I was more careful with accepting requests before. Here’s a song that I listened to while writing this. 

 

 

 

Overthinking Sucks.

In lieu of a long post I’ll be writing a shorter one, a one that gets to the point. All in the name of emphasizing just the right amount of thinking. So I just hit 20 and something just clicked in my head and suddenly I was normal again. I figured that the adult factor gave me some leeway to do, say and express whatever I wanted. False because I already had the right to even from the start. Upon realizing it I forced myself back to its roots which was – you guessed it – overthinking.

To all of you reading this and tend to overthink 101% of the time, I know it’s hard but just let it go. I constantly tell myself to go with the first decision in my head because really what’s there to think about? If it’s something I need to do that requires some form of good faith, why do I have to decide what to decide when I know well I’m a good person. Really. Just do it.

You’ll then find yourself laughing to the fact of how much you yourself can surprise you. Believe in yourself – if it’s the right time and situation you’re subconscious will do the job well and if it wasn’t? You will learn so that next time a similar event comes around you’ve got a little bit of confidence to drive automatic.

Overthinking sucks. Don’t do it. Think twice not thrice but still, of course despite all this – never stop thinking.

Cheers!

Take a listen to this before you leave.

 

 

On the top of my head #1 : Trying it out

I’m typing this and as I type I only think once and not twice. Period. It’s a really good exercise I believe to get your intuition out there and completely be yourself which is damn awesome because you literally don’t have to think too much about things. I really like this, ideas just keep flowing out of nowhere! Which is kind of the opposite when you think too hard to impress with your writing.

Sometimes I find myself in fits and tantrums between what I want to write and what should be written. Like a small dilemma between a kid’s imagination and adult cynicism. I remember once a year back when wordpress had a caption on the bottom of your draft saying “Just Write.” I really loved it but never truly did it. For one thing it keeps you fresh and on check it’s almost similar to being in a 5 star restaurant with Gordon Ramsay as the expediter, YOU CANNOT STOP. With his “taste, taste, taste!” Mantra, doing this kind of thing would be “Think, think, think!” 

Seriously I’m loving this I literally haven’t stopped typing and it’s 4:00 am and my keyboards just rattling with taps and what not, hopefully it doesn’t disturb the neighbors! Otherwise I wouldn’t really care.

I’m not sure what to call this, possibly a new rising writing challenge or maybe a sloppy overused idea? Nonetheless I’ll be doing more of this. Just writing on the top of my head.

Have a try on it, trust me it’s great fun!

On Thinking Too hard.

As an Architecture student, I strive to get past myself (I’m not sure about others but that’s me). You could go so far thinking about Architecture as compositions of columns, beams and walls and spaces, but I believe it’s more than that.Just a year ago I approached an impenetrable wall. It was so high – too high in fact that I thought “crap, how am I suppose to get over this?”. It was a wall between me and my own creativity.

You see, creativity was something I had to really  seek, not like others who already had it from the start and went along with it for their whole lives, and I used to be that kind. Anything goes, but I was very young back then, playing with LEGOS, drawing and experimenting, and it really is true! The older you get, most of the time, you lose that inner creativity. Lucky enough I took such an amazing course that forcefully released that inner self of mine shouting to get out. Back to the wall.

I distinctly remember myself taking down notes and sketching ideas on a black notebook I bought and ended in a loop every “new” (redundant) idea I had. I literally went no where. It was as if the day repeated itself all over again every SINGLE time. I never really realized it then, but I was thinking too hard. You see, Creativity I believe is nonchalant and free and given that it’s something I believe is unique in every one. It’s not something you think about, it’s just there waiting for you to free it. From what I learned the Thinking shackles the Creativity.

Okay okay I know what you’re thinking “How the hell can y995071_701617313225186_1915145818609813432_nou come up with ideas if you don’t think??” Well here’s one question I have for you “Can you tell me in full detail how you think?” You can get away with the “I first analyse this and that then arrive into a conclusion bla bla bla” but really can you? Can you visualize the stuff going on in your brain on the moment you read that question? I think not. That previously quoted line is a form of thinking too hard, from it you usually get nothing but floppy ideas that literally can’t stand on its own.

Amazing idea are the ones that just pop into your head, when you don’t think about it (Spoiler : We’re all creative!). It’s not something you wait for or think about but rather a reaction to something (Spoiler 2 : Inspiration). The idea is your subconscious’ reaction to the world, to a problem or to whatever needs ideas. That’s why many articles on creativity always tell you “Just Relax!” “Just do something!” because ideas are inspired and not thought about. Then once you get a harness with that “idea” That’s when you reinforce it and guide it with the thinking. It’s basically how creativity and logic work hand in hand.

Now a “year” has passed and I’m here writing this.  I too remember myself scratching my head for an idea to write about, I never really expected that the “idea” itself would be the topic of the day (Wow!) I myself still fall into the trap of thinking too much, maybe because of frustration, stress?, pressure or just trying to catch up. Even though I always put myself into a passive state, looking for that inspiring moment and I tell you – It never fails! (To get into the mood I sometimes hum random tunes or even do things I don’t like; an example? Dishes)

We think too much, maybe it’s time to slow down and just let life take over (for a while). That’s what we need in a world of robotic jobs and taken for granted days. Just a pause.

Here’s a song that inspired me to write this. Initially I wanted to write a poem of what I wanted to do, but then I thought of the catalyst to all forms of writing.