The Overthinker

That’s me. Like crap I overthink like crazy – i hate it. Someone comments on a post boom instantly pops up on that and starts thinking of some reply back. Thinking’s good but going over that? a big NO. It’s so damn annoying when every little thing has to have some meaning or every little task has a multitude of outcomes in my head, great I’m analytical – but too much analysis just drives me crazy.

I remember thinking that this blog would be my personal diary and for a week I straight off posted everyday. Looking at it now it’s more of like a place to just let go of all the emotions I’m feeling. If you know me and we’ve never talked – this is as personal as you can get to knowing me without actually putting effort to knowing who I am.

Lastly, I overthink to the point where I think this is actually stupid and how many people would actually think it is just because it’s so “easy” to walk away from. I say they don’t think enough.

Thanks for reading this short!

I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.

People not Objects

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I just recently lost something really important to me. I’ve never put in so much care and dedication to one thing and losing it was a huge blow. It was so weird to realize how much it actually affected me, it put me in a state of anger, hatred and negativity that it took me off guard.

Looking back I’m actually thankful that it happened. It opened my eyes to how much value I give to material things and how toxic it was. To a point out of anger I told my girlfriend it was more important than her – and that was wrong. SO WRONG. How can such a small thing make say things like that – objects are objects and people are people. They are not the same thing nor should they both have equal importance.

This experience has led me to rethink my life. To rethink how things affect how I feel and what truly matters to me. Today I let go of that, let go of the materialistic identity and transfer all the focus I had on it into things that truly matter the MOST. And that’s to my family, loved ones and people.

Deeply I am saddened. Saddened that I lost something that I worked really hard to get and experienced so many awesome events with it. But really all it was a medium to those experiences, as long as I’ve kept those everything’s fine.

So in the next time I do work for something – it’s not going to be about the value of it, but it’s the value I make with it.

Why I Stopped Caring

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From time to time I think about the direction of this blog, it’s theme and content. I do question sometimes how vulnerable I am putting up with it because this blog is LITERALLY my personal diary. I guess I don’t care much about vulnerability because someone out there might relate to things that occur in my life that I write down here and maybe benefit from it. I really don’t care. 

I laugh sometimes of how “lonely” my blog posts are because most of them address problems of depression and excerpts of the crap that goes on my head to cope up with the said depression. But then again I don’t care. I just really don’t.

Personally I think that great stuff evolve and just doesn’t happen then and there. Like great ideas may come randomly but really is just a result of whatever you did that day thus leading to it. So everything evolves – like the human race, movies with really stupid mind turning “WTH?” plot twists and confidently on my part this blog post.

So I guess I’ll tell you why it makes no sense to care. I’m not talking the kind of care you have for your family, close friends and loved ones. I’m talking about that care you have for what people think about you, the care you have for how you should be with the type of people around, the care for past and the future, the care that messes your head up.

I can relate to this because deep inside I battle with it everyday. Care. I could be called (but not anymore) the nice guy and even at some point I was so nice that I was questioned *in my dialect* “Baket ang bait mo?” or “Why are you so nice?” by this random girl that I had no affinity for, socially (No hate though). I’m battling with it right now, between those who can’t relate and would read this vs those who don’t. Expression vs Repression.

It makes no sense to “care” because it stops us from evolving. Stops us from being human because of the limits we put ourselves and on our intuition and belief in ourselves. This is what makes us human. I realized this a while back and since then I stopped caring.

I stopped caring because I wanted to feel more, be in tune with my own happiness. To do what I WANTED because I wanted to do it because it made me happy.

I’m sick of caring of how different I am in this place, of how people obviously treat me differently, of how lonely I get, of how people sometimes just suck, of how IT’S MY FAULT that I can’t run a conversation (but upon further speculation it really isn’t mine because I know I CAN TALK WELL), of how my future would end up like. I’m done caring. This is why I stopped caring.

Just Be Happy

A few months ago I viewed this certain aspect of life differently compared to what IT actually is. Sometimes I would even shrug it off and sacrifice it for things that would make me “happier” as if it were measurable. Which was the problem. To give you guys some depth I’m writing this in an internet cafe, which seems like one of my favorite places to write stuff, and it’s 2:00 am where I’m at.

I’m writing this because at this moment of my life I’ve realized something so bizzare and obvious that I’d kill my past self for not seeing it, happiness is a choice. Well I guess I could say I already knew it, we all do, but to really grasp the choice of it is something else.

A famous youtuber went through depression and documented his whole transformation to what he is right now a “happy” person and at one point he said “Comparison is the theft to happiness“. It made so much sense to me because at the time everything that I did was something that needed comparison to, not necessarily to people but to all things. Right then and there I asked, why can’t I just leave it be? Why can’t I just be happy with it? Why not? And to tell you the truth I had no answer for it.

Realizing it, life in general is a pursuit of happiness or for happiness. We all want success, appreciation, love and all the good things – we all want to be happy. But we’re held back by the expectations of the pressures of society or our peers among many other things. But if you give yourself a chance to reevaluate “Am I happy?” “Why can’t I be?” “Who am I not to be?” “Who’s to stop me from being happy?”

It’s simple, no matter what the drawback is, let it be the hardest you’ve ever encountered because really eventually it will be okay. No matter what. So at times when adversity is present or absent just be happy and celebrate every little thing life has to offer.

On a side note

One random thought whilst proofreading this short write up – I truly believe that “being happy” is not equal to being “okay” with certain things – if you have the capability of pushing the envelope further than go for it! Never sell yourself short!

Be Happy Alone

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Cover photo of Last Dinosaurs’ latest single, Evie. I loved this one because it has some optical illusion going on, have a closer look at it yourself 

This will be a short one due to the limited minutes I have here in this cozy yet lonely cafe. Usually it’d be filled with students from the college across the street which I jokingly may call savages because once they get into a game with their peers time isn’t of the essence anymore not even morals.

I’ve touched on this subject multiple times and I just can’t seem to get over it. It’s a mix of personal and unchangeable variables that keep intact every time I think about it, which is the happiness and sadness of being alone. I don’t consider myself completely alone – right now I can because of summer being such a long drag and everyone’s just doing their own thing and me still existing in the same old dorm that I stayed in for the past two years. I long for a change of scene and it’s not happening.

I always like to believe that there would be much better things for me beyond my current predicament, which obviously, would be true even for anyone as time goes by aaaandd even though I constantly fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.

I find myself in pity thinking of my current social life, so much potential! But almost completely wasted. Deep inside though, I can’t truly blame myself for it, I’m literally in a place where people such as I go through a filter of bias with no expectation by the locals to even fit in. Despite me being the same nationality as everyone else, people still don’t seem to understand that and continue on with their lives treating me, rather poorly, as “one” of them. Now to that I can say I’m alone.

*Leaves booth and extends time left to an hour*

It’s not a completely sad story really, in fact it isn’t even a sad one. It’s only sad if you see the depressing part of it or simply seeing anything about being alone depressing and sad. As an individual I don’t really find myself scared or fearful, I know I can make things happen for me at times when I need to, I don’t even find myself anti-social in any form. And as of this moment I’ve made peace with the facts that life isn’t always going to be easy or expected to be and all it really takes is time and a certain mindset filled with compassion, inspiration, focus and thankfulness for what you have right NOW. And to that I can say I’m pretty happy alone.

Truly in the end, all that matters is how much you can handle being alone. To the point where happiness can be found anywhere by yourself or from others. It becomes an option because of all the varieties out there!

One piece of advice – don’t do the same thing again and again! Once you feel the monotony from doing one thing do something else, because the worse thing you can get caught in is in your own thoughts (Monotony does that!).

Being alone right now, I can tell, that your BEST friend would be your mind and you need to constantly lead it to the right track. Unless you want to go crazy

I Think She’s My Soul Mate

Okay, so most probably Mom (or Dad) would be reading this, so hi Mom! Or Dad. Not that I’m expecting them to see it, if at all costs I’d rather hide this blog in some sort online vault with the most complicated password but then again I’m not insinuating that I’m entirely embarrassed of confessing my feelings here on this blog post about the person that I’ll be talking about today or tonight, wherever YOU are around the world. I’m actually pretty excited to put this down into words. AND sorry for that really long sentence, grammatically wrong but I’d prefer to get the point out there.

Meeting your soul mate is most probably the rarest thing to happen, I mean it’s not everyday you get to meet a person literally, let me repeat that LITERALLY the same as you. Putting into context the different mother and father that participated into bringing a child to this earth given that both parents are mutually strangers, chances are that someone there actually thinks the same way as you do is pretty rad, and freaky at the same time (the good kind). Cooler (freakier) than that is that you actually meet them. For me, I met her in college, ironically in a course that I considered to be my soul mate. (It’s Architecture by the way *winks*)

Her name’s pretty cool, so cool that I decided to keep it a secret from you knobby fellows who steal names for no valid reason at all. Given (again) that such burglars of names exist, I’d rather keep my guard up and seal her name down to the bones. Davy Jones? Too deep. But here’s what I can say, it’s a lovely name.

I posted months ago about my ideal girl(friend) stating facts and truths existing deep in my heart and soul, you could read it here and to my astonishment she fit. She literally fit the category, and I wasn’t even looking for her! Would you believe that? Love that was never found, FOUND! She fit so good that if I were to have a perfect shoe size, she’d be the one! (She IS not a shoe so please, back off. In case you’re thinking that *grins*)

To simplify her into a list, I’d most probably have a huge grocery list of only the stuff I want and all of them I NEED, which is extra nice. Imagine having a divinely proportioned meal balancing junk food and veggies, it’s like having a gourmet meal three times a day!

But realistically speaking, she’s everything that I most probably want and NEED in the future. I’ve read somewhere online that most people find their life partners at around the ages of 16-18+ and I think I hit a gold mine. She most probably is! Not that I’m jumping into conclusions or anything, nor am I saying all of this without putting into account the left side of my brain, it’s just that the solution fits! Logically she’s the one, romantically she still is the one! What else could I ask for?

She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s pretty, she’s most probably the greatest architect I’ve ever met (will meet that is when we do both become architects!) and she’s so much like the golden section! Read more here. She’s a boy scout (Yes, not a girl scout. She’s one of the females who got that chance to be one in her batch and she took it! That is so cool!!!!!) and she is definitely more resourceful than me! She’s open minded, logical and adventurous. And so many things! She’s like a cave that I want to explore and see the treasures inside, she’s a paradise!

I most probably will be judged by my clouded perspective since common sense of today says that when you’re in love you don’t really take into account the bads but screw that, in economics scarcity doesn’t exist with me and her, and the opportunity vs cost between her and I tips to the left more than to the right. So yes, she’s my Soul Mate.

One thing about love is that, you can never give some. You give it in full or you don’t, you take a risk and see what happens. No one can predict the future, and besides love not given in full is like eating chicken half cooked, and that’s bad.

Let me ask, what’s your “kind” of soul mate?