Family

I haven’t been writing a lot, especially last 2016, I’ve only put a few posts up here and it really has been a while. One cool thing that I realized was how long this blog has been up here. It’s 2017 and five years ago from now was the birth of this blog, that’s a LONG while. I never had any goal back then I just wanted to write and still up until now that has been its purpose. Writing truly is an art – instead of colors you manipulate words and ultimately like any piece of art create feeling and emotion through your work.

I’d like to talk about family. Today is the last day of my Christmas vacation – a twelve day span of bonding and goodness. Exactly an hour after now I’ll be taking an Uber to the airport and I’m off, back to Cebu where the grind is back on.

Cebu’s hectic I tell you, there is so much to do – every step I take puts me closer to my goal of becoming an architect, the only thing that pulls me back sometimes is the lack of family, I’m alone there – most of the time. Yeah yeah friends are great I’ve made precious relationships and I can really consider them family but “family” the true originals will never be the same.

My vacation here consisted of that, visiting and revisiting old memories and relatives – more or less it’s been a nostalgic ride to memory lane, where the old stayed old as if the last ten years never passed and the young grew up so fast for me to comprehend. Things change so quickly but despite time taking its toll nothing ever disconnected family.

I lived the past days in a condo unit my uncle owned, who lives in the US right now, with my brother and cousins. It was a great time getting to know their lives now and recall what it was years back – meeting their friends and just having a good time.

Ultimately I needed this, it was a break off what seemed to me a world that would never change, my reality – but to only realize that what I am going through is just another fantasy, my real world is where my family is.

By the way, Happy new year! Let’s smash 2017!

I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.

A Mental Note : FOCUS

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These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 

 

DECLUTTERING FACEBOOK

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I was on my bed scrolling down and up through my Facebook timeline a while ago and it hit me – I’m literally walking in a sea of strangers. This made me think of how social media has made it so easy for people to come into our lives and for them to allow others into theirs so quickly. Not realizing how detrimental it is to real life and substantial connections.

With that thought I went in a mode of “decluttering” my facebook profile. So there I went unfriending and unfollowing (for acquaintances LOL) until I felt that scrolling up and down wasn’t that useless already.

Before I move on to my deeper thoughts here’s my checklist before unfriending/unfollowing someone:

1. ) You’re someone who I think won’t care for what I do

2.) You post uninteresting things. On a note it’s subjective.

3.) I just don’t know you.

Side note : I won’t because I think you’re cool.

On to the main show…

I actually did this because my timeline started to become a place of longing and fear. Longing for things I wish could happen in my life (which I needed to work on and be patient for) from people who I didn’t know or may not even care about me. Fear because this form of social media wasn’t social to me at all. Because all the people I cared about were drowned in a sea of people whom I thought I knew or were just plain strangers. And if facebook was all about connecting people you cared about I wasn’t able to do that.

I did this because I wanted connectivity and substance. To be part of things that the people I cared about cared about (what?) and see more of what I cared about in general. If I were to do this I needed to take off the weeds for new growth of something better.

So if you’re reading this and you have no affiliation with me on Facebook unfriend me. We’d both be doing ourselves a favor.

Thanks for reading!

I kinda wish I was more careful with accepting requests before. Here’s a song that I listened to while writing this. 

 

 

 

Overthinking Sucks.

In lieu of a long post I’ll be writing a shorter one, a one that gets to the point. All in the name of emphasizing just the right amount of thinking. So I just hit 20 and something just clicked in my head and suddenly I was normal again. I figured that the adult factor gave me some leeway to do, say and express whatever I wanted. False because I already had the right to even from the start. Upon realizing it I forced myself back to its roots which was – you guessed it – overthinking.

To all of you reading this and tend to overthink 101% of the time, I know it’s hard but just let it go. I constantly tell myself to go with the first decision in my head because really what’s there to think about? If it’s something I need to do that requires some form of good faith, why do I have to decide what to decide when I know well I’m a good person. Really. Just do it.

You’ll then find yourself laughing to the fact of how much you yourself can surprise you. Believe in yourself – if it’s the right time and situation you’re subconscious will do the job well and if it wasn’t? You will learn so that next time a similar event comes around you’ve got a little bit of confidence to drive automatic.

Overthinking sucks. Don’t do it. Think twice not thrice but still, of course despite all this – never stop thinking.

Cheers!

Take a listen to this before you leave.

 

 

Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head

I remember when I was around 8 years old during parent-teacher meetings. My teachers would always complain how talkative I was in class. But right now, 11 years after, I am the complete opposite and is right now wondering why!

I can’t even care much about running a conversation with anyone and it’s been a pain to do so. And when times arrive where I have to be my best self I just fall of short of things to say. It’s as if my mind isn’t even functioning like it’s suppose to. I used to be so talkative! WHY NOW? WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST?

That’s why I came up with that title over there, “Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head“. And then I started to think about myself 11 – 10 years back. How can I be mature but then be my 8 year old self at the same time? Here’s three points that I came up with :

1.) Intuitive – I was very intuitive as a kid, I did things because I knew how it was done but I can’t necessarily explain it well. Even talking with others! I just said what I wanted to say. The issue right now is the issue of appropriateness. Overtime I learned the ways but right now I shouldn’t be over thinking it. Just be REAL!

2.) Fearless – One thing I can vouch for was how assertive I was. I knew what I wanted and I would do anything to get it! (Which had downsides because I was sort of a brat, but a smart brat haha!) I should have a little more confidence in myself. No more thinking thrice.

3.) Careless – Literally careless of everything, most of everything at least. I wasn’t much of a savage to not know my limits, I had a pretty high E.Q as a kid if you didn’t know.

In this generation where social media takes over and everyone’s becoming more self conscious of themselves and what people think of them it’s hard not get caught up in all of it. Which is now my mission to care less! But also care more for the things and people that matter to me.

I was thinking of having just three because it sounded and looked like the perfect number but let me sneak one in.

4.) Never Sweat The Small Stuff – All of the above was because of my pure confidence and whenever adversity crept through my life as a kid I’d just shrug it off. It’s a thing my mom always told me and I to her as well “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”

Be Happy Alone

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Cover photo of Last Dinosaurs’ latest single, Evie. I loved this one because it has some optical illusion going on, have a closer look at it yourself 

This will be a short one due to the limited minutes I have here in this cozy yet lonely cafe. Usually it’d be filled with students from the college across the street which I jokingly may call savages because once they get into a game with their peers time isn’t of the essence anymore not even morals.

I’ve touched on this subject multiple times and I just can’t seem to get over it. It’s a mix of personal and unchangeable variables that keep intact every time I think about it, which is the happiness and sadness of being alone. I don’t consider myself completely alone – right now I can because of summer being such a long drag and everyone’s just doing their own thing and me still existing in the same old dorm that I stayed in for the past two years. I long for a change of scene and it’s not happening.

I always like to believe that there would be much better things for me beyond my current predicament, which obviously, would be true even for anyone as time goes by aaaandd even though I constantly fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.

I find myself in pity thinking of my current social life, so much potential! But almost completely wasted. Deep inside though, I can’t truly blame myself for it, I’m literally in a place where people such as I go through a filter of bias with no expectation by the locals to even fit in. Despite me being the same nationality as everyone else, people still don’t seem to understand that and continue on with their lives treating me, rather poorly, as “one” of them. Now to that I can say I’m alone.

*Leaves booth and extends time left to an hour*

It’s not a completely sad story really, in fact it isn’t even a sad one. It’s only sad if you see the depressing part of it or simply seeing anything about being alone depressing and sad. As an individual I don’t really find myself scared or fearful, I know I can make things happen for me at times when I need to, I don’t even find myself anti-social in any form. And as of this moment I’ve made peace with the facts that life isn’t always going to be easy or expected to be and all it really takes is time and a certain mindset filled with compassion, inspiration, focus and thankfulness for what you have right NOW. And to that I can say I’m pretty happy alone.

Truly in the end, all that matters is how much you can handle being alone. To the point where happiness can be found anywhere by yourself or from others. It becomes an option because of all the varieties out there!

One piece of advice – don’t do the same thing again and again! Once you feel the monotony from doing one thing do something else, because the worse thing you can get caught in is in your own thoughts (Monotony does that!).

Being alone right now, I can tell, that your BEST friend would be your mind and you need to constantly lead it to the right track. Unless you want to go crazy