I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.

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I’ve Been Having Questions.

 

Found on Google Images – http://favim.com/image/152072/

So it’s two months into the whole college thing and I’m already getting a full hang of it, living alone is definitely fun when you know what to do *wink* (Sorry for the bad joke.)

I kind of just came back from the local laundry shop to get my clothes cleaned, and bought some ice too on the way back and I’m here right now with a 1 Litre bottle filled with ice cold “Ice Tea” (By Nestea <– Greatest stuff!)

Okay, I’ve been having questions. It’s not much of a big deal nor was I in a pensive state when these things came up but I’ve been questioning existence. Yes, existence. It’s a weird phenomenon really, we walk this earth, do things like eat and talk may it be by a coffee shop or that place your friends loved to hang out it in, but why?

Why are we here? I don’t know. And that’s some depressing stuff. I’m not trying to be sacrilege here, I believe in a higher power but I was wondering why was there a creation? What’s beyond us? What’s there outside earth’s atmosphere? Again, I don’t know.

It’s a scary thing though, what’s beyond. We live normal here on earth, but it would be impossible if there were no other races or “kinds” of humanoids out there. Aliens maybe. A general question though, why are there other planets besides earth? If we are so sure about evolution and random creation, where did these planets come from? Someone must have created them. But, why?

Just like the stars, there are so many of them, we see them every night. But compared to the Sun to the Earth, the Earth is half. What do you think those stars are there for? The constellations, the orbits, all the epic stuff beyond us, what is there? I don’t know.

I’m pretty sure someone smarter than me must have figured that out, but the fact that simple things like the random thingamadoodles you see on the ground, may it be dust or pebbles – what was the origin of them? What was our origin? What is our purpose? I don’t know.

I think I’ve moved myself away from reality a bit to realize these and I think it’s a good thing. To conclude this, the beauty of life is that it is what it is. You don’t know what it is really, but in ourselves we know how to live and all we have to do is follow that. That deep meaning inside, and see what happens.

 

Lollygagging

I passed by a post by The Daily Post, saying “Pick a random word and do Google image search on it. Check out the eleventh picture it brings up. Write about whatever that image brings to mind.” So I went ahead to Google images, searched for the random word my cousin and I came up with “Lollygagging” counted the results until we ended up on the eleventh picture and picked up the one above.

So now for my thoughts on it. A pretty peculiar picture this is. I first thought the whole illustration was a book cover, turns out I was right. I took a search on “L for Lollgag” on google and found out that this picture is the cover of a “quirky” dictionary containing fun trivia and illustrations.

Speaking of quirky, that is one exact word that came to mind just after seeing it. I definitely would judge this book by its cover, because it pretty much explains the whole dictionary itself, self explanatory.

Nothing else came to mind, just its self explanatory nature and the knowledge that this picture itself is a dictionary cover.

L is for Lollygag