I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.

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A Mental Note : FOCUS

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These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 

 

DECLUTTERING FACEBOOK

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I was on my bed scrolling down and up through my Facebook timeline a while ago and it hit me – I’m literally walking in a sea of strangers. This made me think of how social media has made it so easy for people to come into our lives and for them to allow others into theirs so quickly. Not realizing how detrimental it is to real life and substantial connections.

With that thought I went in a mode of “decluttering” my facebook profile. So there I went unfriending and unfollowing (for acquaintances LOL) until I felt that scrolling up and down wasn’t that useless already.

Before I move on to my deeper thoughts here’s my checklist before unfriending/unfollowing someone:

1. ) You’re someone who I think won’t care for what I do

2.) You post uninteresting things. On a note it’s subjective.

3.) I just don’t know you.

Side note : I won’t because I think you’re cool.

On to the main show…

I actually did this because my timeline started to become a place of longing and fear. Longing for things I wish could happen in my life (which I needed to work on and be patient for) from people who I didn’t know or may not even care about me. Fear because this form of social media wasn’t social to me at all. Because all the people I cared about were drowned in a sea of people whom I thought I knew or were just plain strangers. And if facebook was all about connecting people you cared about I wasn’t able to do that.

I did this because I wanted connectivity and substance. To be part of things that the people I cared about cared about (what?) and see more of what I cared about in general. If I were to do this I needed to take off the weeds for new growth of something better.

So if you’re reading this and you have no affiliation with me on Facebook unfriend me. We’d both be doing ourselves a favor.

Thanks for reading!

I kinda wish I was more careful with accepting requests before. Here’s a song that I listened to while writing this. 

 

 

 

On the top of my head #1 : Trying it out

I’m typing this and as I type I only think once and not twice. Period. It’s a really good exercise I believe to get your intuition out there and completely be yourself which is damn awesome because you literally don’t have to think too much about things. I really like this, ideas just keep flowing out of nowhere! Which is kind of the opposite when you think too hard to impress with your writing.

Sometimes I find myself in fits and tantrums between what I want to write and what should be written. Like a small dilemma between a kid’s imagination and adult cynicism. I remember once a year back when wordpress had a caption on the bottom of your draft saying “Just Write.” I really loved it but never truly did it. For one thing it keeps you fresh and on check it’s almost similar to being in a 5 star restaurant with Gordon Ramsay as the expediter, YOU CANNOT STOP. With his “taste, taste, taste!” Mantra, doing this kind of thing would be “Think, think, think!” 

Seriously I’m loving this I literally haven’t stopped typing and it’s 4:00 am and my keyboards just rattling with taps and what not, hopefully it doesn’t disturb the neighbors! Otherwise I wouldn’t really care.

I’m not sure what to call this, possibly a new rising writing challenge or maybe a sloppy overused idea? Nonetheless I’ll be doing more of this. Just writing on the top of my head.

Have a try on it, trust me it’s great fun!

Symptoms Of Bibliophilia [Beware]

So you’re here, why? I don’t know it really depends but I’m assuming you are frightened, frightened for you life most probably because Bibliophilia is a serious condition. It has no cure and when one acquires any of these symptoms just one, well the person is definitely with no doubt what so ever suffering it.

Bibliophilia is experienced everywhere, to anyone and at any time. Despite the random probability of it happening, not much carry such profound “disease” let’s say. If you’re thinking that you suffer from it, then do please have a look at this short list of my discoveries as a Bibliophile.

You suffer chronic Bibliophilia when :

1. You Cannot Stop Reading

It could be about anything, but the main root cause is this simple act. The act of consistently reading all day at all times whatever the reading material may be. It could be the newspaper from a week ago or a random receipt from Starbucks (Interesting stuff you could find there!)

2. You Cannot Move On From A Book After Finishing One

This my friends is one solid symptom that could just smack you in the face saying “You’re a Bibliophile bro” But moving on is one thing and moving on from a BOOK is another. Bibliophiles cannot get this horrible symptom down, never has anyone done it.

3. You’d Rather Smell Like A Book Then The Fancy Better Smelling Perfumes

Okay this I have to agree with, numerous times I’ve caught myself rubbing a newly opened book on my face celebrating each sniff I made during that. I know it’s weird but I suffer bibliophilia.

4. You Believe That The Spine of a Book Is More Important Then You’re Own Spine

You know that crunchy feeling when you’re non-reader friend just opens up the book and bends the spine like “damn it! This book is the portal to heaven I MUST OPEN IT EVEN MORE” Yes I’ve experienced that and I remember crying inside for a week. (I claim no truth of the final line of this paragraph)

5. You Want To Write A Book But You Don’t Write A Book

It’s peculiar how bibliophiles always revel in the thought of being published and having their names on kids walls I mean that would be great but sometimes some of us just aren’t cut out for it. But Bibliophiles never stop dreaming! (Doing is of slight chance)

6. You Sometimes Have Two Of The Same Book

One is for reading over and over again and the other is for display purposes on the glorious book shelf! Trust me, this is NOT OCD.

7. You Buy Books But Don’t Read Them, Collecting Them Perhaps

It’s true I believe. I’ve been to second hand bookshops and have come across brilliant books costing less than a McDonalds Burger and finding myself buying then storing them into my Book Cornucopia accepting that it will be lost there forever without me reading it again.

8. You’d Rather Read A Good Book Then Go To The Coolest Party In Town

I know that these days, the more parties you go to the cooler you be – not to mention popular. But bibliophiles prefer to stay at home against a warm fireplace reading a good book.

So there most probably is more, I’m still in an extensive research of myself trying to understand why we are who we are. But I’m pretty sure there’s more! I’d love to know! Helps a lot with what I’m trying to conjure here! Comment them down below!

I hope this was a fun read! Adios 🙂

[Being a Bibliophile is not bad at all, this was just written for humor and for fun!]

I Think She’s My Soul Mate

Okay, so most probably Mom (or Dad) would be reading this, so hi Mom! Or Dad. Not that I’m expecting them to see it, if at all costs I’d rather hide this blog in some sort online vault with the most complicated password but then again I’m not insinuating that I’m entirely embarrassed of confessing my feelings here on this blog post about the person that I’ll be talking about today or tonight, wherever YOU are around the world. I’m actually pretty excited to put this down into words. AND sorry for that really long sentence, grammatically wrong but I’d prefer to get the point out there.

Meeting your soul mate is most probably the rarest thing to happen, I mean it’s not everyday you get to meet a person literally, let me repeat that LITERALLY the same as you. Putting into context the different mother and father that participated into bringing a child to this earth given that both parents are mutually strangers, chances are that someone there actually thinks the same way as you do is pretty rad, and freaky at the same time (the good kind). Cooler (freakier) than that is that you actually meet them. For me, I met her in college, ironically in a course that I considered to be my soul mate. (It’s Architecture by the way *winks*)

Her name’s pretty cool, so cool that I decided to keep it a secret from you knobby fellows who steal names for no valid reason at all. Given (again) that such burglars of names exist, I’d rather keep my guard up and seal her name down to the bones. Davy Jones? Too deep. But here’s what I can say, it’s a lovely name.

I posted months ago about my ideal girl(friend) stating facts and truths existing deep in my heart and soul, you could read it here and to my astonishment she fit. She literally fit the category, and I wasn’t even looking for her! Would you believe that? Love that was never found, FOUND! She fit so good that if I were to have a perfect shoe size, she’d be the one! (She IS not a shoe so please, back off. In case you’re thinking that *grins*)

To simplify her into a list, I’d most probably have a huge grocery list of only the stuff I want and all of them I NEED, which is extra nice. Imagine having a divinely proportioned meal balancing junk food and veggies, it’s like having a gourmet meal three times a day!

But realistically speaking, she’s everything that I most probably want and NEED in the future. I’ve read somewhere online that most people find their life partners at around the ages of 16-18+ and I think I hit a gold mine. She most probably is! Not that I’m jumping into conclusions or anything, nor am I saying all of this without putting into account the left side of my brain, it’s just that the solution fits! Logically she’s the one, romantically she still is the one! What else could I ask for?

She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s pretty, she’s most probably the greatest architect I’ve ever met (will meet that is when we do both become architects!) and she’s so much like the golden section! Read more here. She’s a boy scout (Yes, not a girl scout. She’s one of the females who got that chance to be one in her batch and she took it! That is so cool!!!!!) and she is definitely more resourceful than me! She’s open minded, logical and adventurous. And so many things! She’s like a cave that I want to explore and see the treasures inside, she’s a paradise!

I most probably will be judged by my clouded perspective since common sense of today says that when you’re in love you don’t really take into account the bads but screw that, in economics scarcity doesn’t exist with me and her, and the opportunity vs cost between her and I tips to the left more than to the right. So yes, she’s my Soul Mate.

One thing about love is that, you can never give some. You give it in full or you don’t, you take a risk and see what happens. No one can predict the future, and besides love not given in full is like eating chicken half cooked, and that’s bad.

Let me ask, what’s your “kind” of soul mate?

Taking Risks

So I just had my breakfast a few minutes ago and right now, I’m in this internet cafe. My laptop broke down and I pretty much have nothing to type with, unless I wrote something down with pen and paper but what good would that be?

It’s been already three months into the whole “being responsible” thing, in other words “adulthood” albeit me being in an age, in general, shouldn’t be in but I find myself quite lucky anyway. And throughout these fruitful months, actually more fruitful than expected, I’ve learned a lot, from getting out and talking to people, surviving too, but I also understood the truth of taking risks.

I’m pretty sure your mom or dad, or best friend, or grandpa or whatever, advised that you take the leap of fate, or try something new for a change, but what I’m also sure that maybe you never understood the concept well, I mean I didn’t. Sure you must have tried something new, but is that truly a risk? Or did your dad just tell you to do it? And today, in this slightly cold cafe, I’ll try to break it down, while you keep in mind that I may not have the sharpest or let’s say the truest definition of risk taking.

Somewhere around my frequent internet adventures I’ve read that taking a risk means that you’ve chosen to do something you’re afraid to do and doing it anway, and I believe it is true! I mean what other reason would a risk be but for it to be ambiguous and unsure? But when do you know a risk is right, right? (Redundancy!)

There are so many things to take into account here, from my point of view at least. Let’s say you’re about to submit a project in a week’s time and you have this idea, to stand out perhaps, but it too is the lousiest way to go. But if you do it, is it a risk? Chances are it may fail, yes? I mean, it’s the worst thing you could do and that’s what you “want” to do, by doing it does it mean you take a risk? Well yes, but it’s a bad kind. Taking such risks I think pretty much takes away the beauty of taking risks, what’s the point if you just set yourself up for failure?

To me, taking risks is knowing that you have a great idea but realistically is too big for anyone to accomplish and the risk in it is that you’d do it anyway. And in relation to the “project” above, you take the risk to make something great, which would most probably take more than a week to make but you do it anyway. That’s what Risk is.

Risk is taking the leap of fate, knowing that something you’re about to do is greater than anyone could ever imagine, it may fail but you carry on anyway!

What about you? What’s your take on Risks? What advice can you give to those taking risks? Have any stories to tell? All your comments are welcome and are greatly appreciated! Until next time! ..