Family

I haven’t been writing a lot, especially last 2016, I’ve only put a few posts up here and it really has been a while. One cool thing that I realized was how long this blog has been up here. It’s 2017 and five years ago from now was the birth of this blog, that’s a LONG while. I never had any goal back then I just wanted to write and still up until now that has been its purpose. Writing truly is an art – instead of colors you manipulate words and ultimately like any piece of art create feeling and emotion through your work.

I’d like to talk about family. Today is the last day of my Christmas vacation – a twelve day span of bonding and goodness. Exactly an hour after now I’ll be taking an Uber to the airport and I’m off, back to Cebu where the grind is back on.

Cebu’s hectic I tell you, there is so much to do – every step I take puts me closer to my goal of becoming an architect, the only thing that pulls me back sometimes is the lack of family, I’m alone there – most of the time. Yeah yeah friends are great I’ve made precious relationships and I can really consider them family but “family” the true originals will never be the same.

My vacation here consisted of that, visiting and revisiting old memories and relatives – more or less it’s been a nostalgic ride to memory lane, where the old stayed old as if the last ten years never passed and the young grew up so fast for me to comprehend. Things change so quickly but despite time taking its toll nothing ever disconnected family.

I lived the past days in a condo unit my uncle owned, who lives in the US right now, with my brother and cousins. It was a great time getting to know their lives now and recall what it was years back – meeting their friends and just having a good time.

Ultimately I needed this, it was a break off what seemed to me a world that would never change, my reality – but to only realize that what I am going through is just another fantasy, my real world is where my family is.

By the way, Happy new year! Let’s smash 2017!

Advertisements

The Overthinker

That’s me. Like crap I overthink like crazy – i hate it. Someone comments on a post boom instantly pops up on that and starts thinking of some reply back. Thinking’s good but going over that? a big NO. It’s so damn annoying when every little thing has to have some meaning or every little task has a multitude of outcomes in my head, great I’m analytical – but too much analysis just drives me crazy.

I remember thinking that this blog would be my personal diary and for a week I straight off posted everyday. Looking at it now it’s more of like a place to just let go of all the emotions I’m feeling. If you know me and we’ve never talked – this is as personal as you can get to knowing me without actually putting effort to knowing who I am.

Lastly, I overthink to the point where I think this is actually stupid and how many people would actually think it is just because it’s so “easy” to walk away from. I say they don’t think enough.

Thanks for reading this short!

I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.

A Mental Note : FOCUS

13214790_1176845059001216_1824933109_o
These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 

 

DECLUTTERING FACEBOOK

102165565-facebook-530x298

I was on my bed scrolling down and up through my Facebook timeline a while ago and it hit me – I’m literally walking in a sea of strangers. This made me think of how social media has made it so easy for people to come into our lives and for them to allow others into theirs so quickly. Not realizing how detrimental it is to real life and substantial connections.

With that thought I went in a mode of “decluttering” my facebook profile. So there I went unfriending and unfollowing (for acquaintances LOL) until I felt that scrolling up and down wasn’t that useless already.

Before I move on to my deeper thoughts here’s my checklist before unfriending/unfollowing someone:

1. ) You’re someone who I think won’t care for what I do

2.) You post uninteresting things. On a note it’s subjective.

3.) I just don’t know you.

Side note : I won’t because I think you’re cool.

On to the main show…

I actually did this because my timeline started to become a place of longing and fear. Longing for things I wish could happen in my life (which I needed to work on and be patient for) from people who I didn’t know or may not even care about me. Fear because this form of social media wasn’t social to me at all. Because all the people I cared about were drowned in a sea of people whom I thought I knew or were just plain strangers. And if facebook was all about connecting people you cared about I wasn’t able to do that.

I did this because I wanted connectivity and substance. To be part of things that the people I cared about cared about (what?) and see more of what I cared about in general. If I were to do this I needed to take off the weeds for new growth of something better.

So if you’re reading this and you have no affiliation with me on Facebook unfriend me. We’d both be doing ourselves a favor.

Thanks for reading!

I kinda wish I was more careful with accepting requests before. Here’s a song that I listened to while writing this. 

 

 

 

On Thinking Too hard.

As an Architecture student, I strive to get past myself (I’m not sure about others but that’s me). You could go so far thinking about Architecture as compositions of columns, beams and walls and spaces, but I believe it’s more than that.Just a year ago I approached an impenetrable wall. It was so high – too high in fact that I thought “crap, how am I suppose to get over this?”. It was a wall between me and my own creativity.

You see, creativity was something I had to really  seek, not like others who already had it from the start and went along with it for their whole lives, and I used to be that kind. Anything goes, but I was very young back then, playing with LEGOS, drawing and experimenting, and it really is true! The older you get, most of the time, you lose that inner creativity. Lucky enough I took such an amazing course that forcefully released that inner self of mine shouting to get out. Back to the wall.

I distinctly remember myself taking down notes and sketching ideas on a black notebook I bought and ended in a loop every “new” (redundant) idea I had. I literally went no where. It was as if the day repeated itself all over again every SINGLE time. I never really realized it then, but I was thinking too hard. You see, Creativity I believe is nonchalant and free and given that it’s something I believe is unique in every one. It’s not something you think about, it’s just there waiting for you to free it. From what I learned the Thinking shackles the Creativity.

Okay okay I know what you’re thinking “How the hell can y995071_701617313225186_1915145818609813432_nou come up with ideas if you don’t think??” Well here’s one question I have for you “Can you tell me in full detail how you think?” You can get away with the “I first analyse this and that then arrive into a conclusion bla bla bla” but really can you? Can you visualize the stuff going on in your brain on the moment you read that question? I think not. That previously quoted line is a form of thinking too hard, from it you usually get nothing but floppy ideas that literally can’t stand on its own.

Amazing idea are the ones that just pop into your head, when you don’t think about it (Spoiler : We’re all creative!). It’s not something you wait for or think about but rather a reaction to something (Spoiler 2 : Inspiration). The idea is your subconscious’ reaction to the world, to a problem or to whatever needs ideas. That’s why many articles on creativity always tell you “Just Relax!” “Just do something!” because ideas are inspired and not thought about. Then once you get a harness with that “idea” That’s when you reinforce it and guide it with the thinking. It’s basically how creativity and logic work hand in hand.

Now a “year” has passed and I’m here writing this.  I too remember myself scratching my head for an idea to write about, I never really expected that the “idea” itself would be the topic of the day (Wow!) I myself still fall into the trap of thinking too much, maybe because of frustration, stress?, pressure or just trying to catch up. Even though I always put myself into a passive state, looking for that inspiring moment and I tell you – It never fails! (To get into the mood I sometimes hum random tunes or even do things I don’t like; an example? Dishes)

We think too much, maybe it’s time to slow down and just let life take over (for a while). That’s what we need in a world of robotic jobs and taken for granted days. Just a pause.

Here’s a song that inspired me to write this. Initially I wanted to write a poem of what I wanted to do, but then I thought of the catalyst to all forms of writing. 

20 Facts About Me

Edit
Credits to a Friend of mine

I don’t think I’ve raised enough influence for people to even care about these but hey to think of it, it’s actually more of a “for me” kind of thing. I ended up learning a few things about myself whilst writing. Andddd It was typical for people to write a few words, so I did the complete opposite.

First of all I was tagged on Facebook by my good friend AJ (Bruhhh!) and another friend Angel. If ever they read this, god bless both of you! So Here it goes!

  • I find happiness in recluse. It’s even more confusing how I interchange this with the opposite of having a lot of people around. But since I’ve been this way most of the time, it’s where I channel most of my happiness.
  • I’m in ways a deep thinker. I often find myself digging into deeper concepts of simple ideas at any given time, but I love it.
  • I revel in seeing the potential of others. I find myself duly impressed by the numbers of possibilities people can do as particulars and universals. To see the possible outcomes of each friend and stranger is, to me, highly interesting.
  • I have a thirst for speed. In more specific terms, efficiency. Every time I learn a new thing, the first thing that comes to my mind is “How the heck do I get this done faster??” Then I go into a process of attempting to do so until finally I give up to doing some more solid research through the vast internetz.
  • I’m abstracrete. It’s not a real word, but a combination of abstract and concrete. I find myself between two of these which is sometimes a problem, either I become too real or too unreal.
  • I love designing. It could be anything, chairs, a car, etc. It’s so good because it allows me to translate all my ideas whether it has been done before or subjectively novel.
  • I love to sketch. I could have said draw but sketching is so different, it’s a natural connection between the mind and hand. It’s loose and expressive, that’s why. I’m pretty sure some of you might know what I mean
  • I’m a tester. I literally test, basically experiment with things. Try to see the outcomes of them since I’ve never tried them before.
  • I love architecture. Art to me could never be as expressive as Architecture. It’s a living art, it breathes and speaks, simply an extension of nature.
  • I’m into music. I spent awhile trying to sentence this out right without having to imply a complete endless unbiased love for music, because of two things – I don’t, 2nd I just deep inside me don’t. But I do listen to music a lot, have you ever heard of The Strokes? The Drums? And anymore bands that start with The? Haha
  • I’m passionate. I sometimes amaze myself when I am, I memorize pictures, I finish projects quick and I become an idea machine, probably the next Vitruvius. But passion is what runs me, and it works for everything. Now the sad and deadly part, when I lose it
  • I have a thing for books. I’m not a book expert and I can’t tell you my top 100 book authors and each line they wrote best, but I love books. The smell, the information, the imagery its subtle reeling touch to the author’s mind for the reader to experience
  • I have a thing for writing. Honestly, influenced by how sentences were beautifully patterned and written down, I swear words to me are like images and I just love looking at them, interacting with it and understanding them. But then you wouldn’t call me a grammar nazi or a writing nerd.
  • I’m perceptive. I try to see things in new ways and past them, I’m not THAT innovative yet but maybe that’s just what I think, for now.
  • I love COLORS. I can appreciate a bad drawing with beautifully composed colors and not an intricate near perfection line drawing with more or less crappy chosen colors. That’s just how I go (yohw!)
  • I’m complex. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Usually how I see beauty is between the complexity of things and its simple counter parts. That’s why in Architecture I don’t find complex ideas amazing but rather complex ideas designed in a simple way which I I’m trying oh so hard to achieve.
  • I’m a frequent study-er of people. I often analyze the movements and actions of people, trying to figure out why they truly did certain actions, what influenced the expression or the end thought, the composition of the bones that composed the action etc. which is kind of awkward when I accidentally stare at someone and they look and I just glance away. I am so bad. Please don’t mistake this as being a stalker. And then again, you can’t call me a physicist or a psychologist  in any way.
  • I am a doer of so many things and a master of none. I could say I’m sufficiently good at drawing, but I just try so many things that I tend to not master any one.
  • I’m a Geek. Not a nerd, a Geek. Due to my fluctuating thoughts I cannot know everything which makes me a non-nerd but I still find the smallest things interesting, but I’m a Geek because of my passion for the hobbies that I have. I know stuff about Speedcubing, Drawing and Painting, Design and other things that get me passionate. Basically, I’m a nerd for specific things and not the entire universe. To think of it, I should be none. Geeks don’t call themselves geeks, yikess!
  • Lastly, I love bringing people together. I like to take a group of people willing to participate in an activity that encourages creativity and awesome dooblidoos! And being a part of it

So that my friends are 20 facts about me. Now I nominate YOU to write your own. Just don’t forget to say that  “Ivan” told me to *winks* Goodbye!