I Tell Myself To Shutup Everyday

Shutting yourself up might sound harsh and self deprecating – comedians might have a pass for it, given that it’s funny – but generally from the surface it really is, but hear me out. I really had no title for this because all I wanted to do was discuss the sudden transformation in my life that I allowed myself to have and put it up for someone else to read – in hopes that it might pass the idea on for some reader to give themselves their own chance to transform. Mid thought I might be overhyping this not realizing how normal this could be – I’m writing about it anyway.

Listen, I have (or had, still have some though) anxiety and issues with self belief. Literally everything I did came with some form of doubt “Is this thing I think I know actually right??” “Is what I’m doing helping a bigger purpose??” “Am I able to provide the world of any value?????” A lot of the times I’d say no. This caused anxiety – even to the point where it developed further to approach anxiety and the anxiety to BE MYSELF.

To put a few things into perspective disbelief and anxiety made me do worse in things I thought I couldn’t do (Which I could perfectly do!). I never allowed myself that natural human ability to figure things out you know – I thought I never could. Highschool became a dread because of low test scores and my narrow minded generalization that THAT defined who you were – I thought I was a dumbass. Now wait a second – you might be thinking it’s because of the family I had, the environment I lived in daily, NO it wasn’t – this was a personal thing. It’s a second life I hid, beyond it were fake smiles, laughs and from an unknown source a social personality.

It’s my 4th year right now in college and just now did I realize – it was all in my head. Remember those questions I mentioned? I tell you I had ten times more. Just a when they come up I tell myself to shut the HECK up! It’s almost like building a mental wall, whenever similar thoughts occur I tell myself to shutup and go on with life.

The main idea was to create space for the more important ideas and thoughts like current problems that needed solving and thinking most especially of their solutions. Whenever some random dude starts complaining how “hard” it is in my head, I give it a quick smack and tell em’ to SHUT UP!

Currently I can’t say I’m perfect I still feel trickles of anxiety and disbelief – of course I would, I’ve had to deal with it for a LONG while, you can’t expect something part of you to just dissipate so easily. To a point I might think this is a mental illness, I recall as a kid I never felt any of this. Now that I’m twenty and have experienced much of that – it puts others who are in a worse situation in the right perspective for me and into perspective how mental health is just as important as physical health.

It’s so easy for others to tell you to just shrug it off, to tell you to think “positively” or to compare yourself to others who are worse off and appreciate the blessings you have and that’s good, it’s the right step forward to healing but if you are experiencing anything you feel might turn into something serious get some professional help when you can.


Overthinking Sucks.

In lieu of a long post I’ll be writing a shorter one, a one that gets to the point. All in the name of emphasizing just the right amount of thinking. So I just hit 20 and something just clicked in my head and suddenly I was normal again. I figured that the adult factor gave me some leeway to do, say and express whatever I wanted. False because I already had the right to even from the start. Upon realizing it I forced myself back to its roots which was – you guessed it – overthinking.

To all of you reading this and tend to overthink 101% of the time, I know it’s hard but just let it go. I constantly tell myself to go with the first decision in my head because really what’s there to think about? If it’s something I need to do that requires some form of good faith, why do I have to decide what to decide when I know well I’m a good person. Really. Just do it.

You’ll then find yourself laughing to the fact of how much you yourself can surprise you. Believe in yourself – if it’s the right time and situation you’re subconscious will do the job well and if it wasn’t? You will learn so that next time a similar event comes around you’ve got a little bit of confidence to drive automatic.

Overthinking sucks. Don’t do it. Think twice not thrice but still, of course despite all this – never stop thinking.


Take a listen to this before you leave.



Just Be Happy

A few months ago I viewed this certain aspect of life differently compared to what IT actually is. Sometimes I would even shrug it off and sacrifice it for things that would make me “happier” as if it were measurable. Which was the problem. To give you guys some depth I’m writing this in an internet cafe, which seems like one of my favorite places to write stuff, and it’s 2:00 am where I’m at.

I’m writing this because at this moment of my life I’ve realized something so bizzare and obvious that I’d kill my past self for not seeing it, happiness is a choice. Well I guess I could say I already knew it, we all do, but to really grasp the choice of it is something else.

A famous youtuber went through depression and documented his whole transformation to what he is right now a “happy” person and at one point he said “Comparison is the theft to happiness“. It made so much sense to me because at the time everything that I did was something that needed comparison to, not necessarily to people but to all things. Right then and there I asked, why can’t I just leave it be? Why can’t I just be happy with it? Why not? And to tell you the truth I had no answer for it.

Realizing it, life in general is a pursuit of happiness or for happiness. We all want success, appreciation, love and all the good things – we all want to be happy. But we’re held back by the expectations of the pressures of society or our peers among many other things. But if you give yourself a chance to reevaluate “Am I happy?” “Why can’t I be?” “Who am I not to be?” “Who’s to stop me from being happy?”

It’s simple, no matter what the drawback is, let it be the hardest you’ve ever encountered because really eventually it will be okay. No matter what. So at times when adversity is present or absent just be happy and celebrate every little thing life has to offer.

On a side note

One random thought whilst proofreading this short write up – I truly believe that “being happy” is not equal to being “okay” with certain things – if you have the capability of pushing the envelope further than go for it! Never sell yourself short!

Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head

I remember when I was around 8 years old during parent-teacher meetings. My teachers would always complain how talkative I was in class. But right now, 11 years after, I am the complete opposite and is right now wondering why!

I can’t even care much about running a conversation with anyone and it’s been a pain to do so. And when times arrive where I have to be my best self I just fall of short of things to say. It’s as if my mind isn’t even functioning like it’s suppose to. I used to be so talkative! WHY NOW? WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST?

That’s why I came up with that title over there, “Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head“. And then I started to think about myself 11 – 10 years back. How can I be mature but then be my 8 year old self at the same time? Here’s three points that I came up with :

1.) Intuitive – I was very intuitive as a kid, I did things because I knew how it was done but I can’t necessarily explain it well. Even talking with others! I just said what I wanted to say. The issue right now is the issue of appropriateness. Overtime I learned the ways but right now I shouldn’t be over thinking it. Just be REAL!

2.) Fearless – One thing I can vouch for was how assertive I was. I knew what I wanted and I would do anything to get it! (Which had downsides because I was sort of a brat, but a smart brat haha!) I should have a little more confidence in myself. No more thinking thrice.

3.) Careless – Literally careless of everything, most of everything at least. I wasn’t much of a savage to not know my limits, I had a pretty high E.Q as a kid if you didn’t know.

In this generation where social media takes over and everyone’s becoming more self conscious of themselves and what people think of them it’s hard not get caught up in all of it. Which is now my mission to care less! But also care more for the things and people that matter to me.

I was thinking of having just three because it sounded and looked like the perfect number but let me sneak one in.

4.) Never Sweat The Small Stuff – All of the above was because of my pure confidence and whenever adversity crept through my life as a kid I’d just shrug it off. It’s a thing my mom always told me and I to her as well “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”

Minimalism Is Honesty

According to Wikipedia Minimalism is

 “In the visual arts and music, minimalism is a style that uses pared-down design elements.”

Or basically style that is stripped down to what actually is or “honesty”. In lifestyle it’s all about downsizing and living with things that you really need, thinking of the things that are only important and so on. There is more to it in terms of architecture (space), music and writing (Literary Minimalism)

minimalism-quotes-6I’m not aiming to bare down facts because trust me I only know these things on surface value but in this point of my life I need change. Personally I believe that I am a born “minimalist” I was always and constantly attracted to simplicity, meaning, efficiency, organization and true expression through intelligent simple ways. And putting my life down on a piece of paper? It would show shocking images of clutter and things just going everywhere, physical clutter, mental clutter, clutter etc.

I’ve gone through some tough trials for the past 2 years since independent living pertaining emotionally, socially and physically. Experiencing these, I needed a medium for change. I kept asking why? Where was the source? Through my search I found out about minimalism. When I found out about how people lived minimalist lives I was hooked instantly.

4bf812abdb1d1d46d86814a771ef7a26Instantly hooked to the efficiency, simplistic beauty, and sophistication. It’s amazing how much clutter you can free from your life. Downsizing to things I only need is right now helping me focus on my happiness and on things that I care about. My growing capsule wardrobe literally takes my 5 minute picking of what to wear down to less than a minute. And I’m starting to save up money because I have things right on track, I don’t need to get things I don’t need anymore!

What’s funny is how simplicity is often mistaken as a sacrifice. “You can’t look good being simple”, “you can’t have a fun life being simple”, “simplicity is BORING”.

To think of it, it’s the complete opposite, they just don’t understand what simplicity is. It eliminates clutter – creates mind space to think of the important things – and physical clutter because why the hell do you keep things you don’t need!?

cp_120617_w01Done the right way simplicity would bring more meaning to life, and make spaces of living beautiful! (Just like how everything in that room is in harmony with each other.) There’s an equivalent to this, a concept by the architect Bjarke Ingels called “Hedonistic Sustainability”, non sacrificial sustainability.

I’ve started to turn into living a “simple” life because what I desire is harmony, meaning and quality. Quality over quantity and just the best of everything, even out of the smallest of things. Enough with the unnecessary complexity and clutter! It truly is beautiful to imagine a life in harmony where everything connects with each other and is there out of meaning and well thought out ideas, all because it is honest to itself.

On Failing and Keeping up Schedules

         It’s the start of the summer and new year’s resolutions aren’t going well as of the moment which makes me think how unreliable starts of the years are for me, which is kind of bad – actually no, it is bad! And I’ve been keeping up with hopefully achieving all these resolutions like getting better at Math, getting a bit more organized etc. for the past 3 years, which at the same time ago I never really cared about.

Okay, so, right, I don’t really have a knack for math. Yes, Math – specifically Calculus – even though any Mathematical topic before that I never did well – Or a knack for waking up early to go to a math class. And right now I’m suffering the consequences. It’s like reading a good book but then quitting in the middle because man it just isn’t good enough, or worse you’re not good enough for the book. I failed math.

I failed Math bad. It’s scary and depressing to think about. Firstly I just wasted a year’s worth of Math in terms of money, and my parent’s money that is, and I took one off from the limit of three fails of a Major before getting kicked out of the Architecture program. And listen, this is even worse, I failed another subject – solely because our professor couldn’t disseminate exam schedules. Two times I’ve walked into class completely flustered as to why my peers were writing stuff on a “blue” book and as I looked into them,their eyes were just as confused as I was. Luckily, this summer, a petition was made to have that class again for those who failed and those who didn’t deserve to.

Thinking this through, definitely, it is heartbreaking and any student who tries hard to keep up with a completely busy schedule whilst not failing would feel complete crap. I felt that way, and I’m feeling that way. I haven’t even told my parents but I will in a while, because you should be brave in the face of adversity! Wow Ivan, great going. Inspiration ftw! 

If you’re a college student and about to pick some subjects. Do NOT take subjects that you completely suck at in the morning. By morning I mean, unreasonably early. It’s nice to have a cushion between subjects, just like having a great breakfast – which I believe should be blueberry pancakes, a warm cup of coffee plus some of those organic stuff to contrast the decadent sweetness and heavenly nature of those blueberry pancakes – would start your day off just perfect.

And I’m keeping up a schedule now. This blog has been an on and off thing and I’m deciding that this summer break would be a change for me. So I’ll be conjuring something  up every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday! Which is awesome because man 4 is a cool number and I have some motivation to write more.

Here’s one way to look at failure

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas A. Edison

Failing sucks and if you’ve ever failed some point in your life may it be big or small, do let me know in the comments!

And If you found this one a fun read, I’d be very grateful if you shared this on your Facebook, twitter or email to anyone who’d like to read it. Thanks!

The Butterfly Effect and Other Things

It’s typical to find yourself alone thinking, what does it mean to be here? Probably religious dogma can answer that, but truly what does it mean to sit down and occupy a space in a place we never innately knew came from. I come by these a lot, to extents that I find myself observing rather than existing. I find myself in debates against myself, knowing vs ignorance, knowledge vs truth or are the thoughts within myself logically correct? It’s a paradox that brought me to more doors to open, a curiosity that created opportunities for individual and subjective realizations to the world. I don’t even know if any of them are correct.

One concept that  I truly keep close to heart, the one I love, cherish and believe is the The Butterfly Effect. It’s the universal connection of each and everyone of us, it sort of reminds me of a lever. Where a small force equals to a larger force at the end, just how small changes can lead to big and meaningful changes that we can never know about. It’s perplexing to think of it, to see the numerous possibilities of one action. It’s an endless weave through fates unwinding before your very eyes and you don’t even see it.

My mother always told me “don’t think too much” “Go with the flow” As I was I found it a waste. I mean, what’s there if you never thought? It’s a complete bore to see things as they are and not what could be through tweaks or subtle mutations, after all we evolve in the process. In the end, I found myself in fault. I misunderstood the concept. It wasn’t about taking things for granted, or forgetting about what truly matters most. It was all about taking a seat on the greatest trip, and see things as they evolved and consequently learn from them.

But even though, I find myself in doubt. Not of myself, but of the kind of person I am and the possibilities of others. It’s rare to find someone who can connect with the thoughts of my own and share an experience that lead to large alterations, especially WITHOUT prideful narcissism or passionate advocacy to their own subjective philosophies. It’s a rarity, but I am thankful that I do have a few who share the same sentiments, people who I can talk to and participate in a phenomena of the exchange of ideas. But I love everyone

Truly, this blog has been the only thing that has kept me sane and sharp from time to time (but I find myself blunt sometimes, it’s normal right?) and from reading my previous posts from months ago, it’s time for a revamp.