Ivan 2.0


Hey there! this post marks the new age of writing for me on this blog. Last I checked the most recent piece was from a little bit more than a year ago, that was quite a while.

I began this blog initially to practice writing and through the years it slowly became a medium for me to express a little bit of my feelings going through life and figuring things out. I recall writing about my first experiences living alone, dealing with college life in a hectic course and just being confused about my emotions all in all.

Now roughly 6 years into the process I’ve finally found a way to grab life by its neck (I really genuinely feel that). I’m graduating from college very soon and I’ll eventually will be fending for myself. Looking back it’s amazing to see how much I’ve progressed as an individual, maybe not as much as others but to see movement in my being gives me confidence that life does get better.

Along with renaming the blog from “Ivan’s Brain” to “Ivan 2.0” I’ve simplified the site and added some small variations to make it a little bit different from the previous layout, made it more readable per say. I think it’s a good way to begin this new thing that’s going on in my life and I’m absolutely excited that I’ve regained some passion for writing again.

So to conclude this post, I want to say that I still am clueless of my future – clueless in a sense that I’m aware of the possibilities and I see that there are many, clueless out of curiosity if that makes any sense.

One take away from all these years that I have come to realize is – we must be fearless. I figured that achieving my dreams would be a difficult feat and it meant that I need to undergo multiple transformations to reach it and the only way to weather it is to be LITERALLY fearless (in a smart way of course).

You may be wondering why do I have a bike as header for this post – that’s actually one of my dream bikes, the Kawasaki Ninja 400 which I plan to have in the next few years. I can tell you with no FEAR – I WILL have that bike. Watch out for that blog post about it soon, thanks for reading!

Ninja 400_2.jpg



I haven’t been writing a lot, especially last 2016, I’ve only put a few posts up here and it really has been a while. One cool thing that I realized was how long this blog has been up here. It’s 2017 and five years ago from now was the birth of this blog, that’s a LONG while. I never had any goal back then I just wanted to write and still up until now that has been its purpose. Writing truly is an art – instead of colors you manipulate words and ultimately like any piece of art create feeling and emotion through your work.

I’d like to talk about family. Today is the last day of my Christmas vacation – a twelve day span of bonding and goodness. Exactly an hour after now I’ll be taking an Uber to the airport and I’m off, back to Cebu where the grind is back on.

Cebu’s hectic I tell you, there is so much to do – every step I take puts me closer to my goal of becoming an architect, the only thing that pulls me back sometimes is the lack of family, I’m alone there – most of the time. Yeah yeah friends are great I’ve made precious relationships and I can really consider them family but “family” the true originals will never be the same.

My vacation here consisted of that, visiting and revisiting old memories and relatives – more or less it’s been a nostalgic ride to memory lane, where the old stayed old as if the last ten years never passed and the young grew up so fast for me to comprehend. Things change so quickly but despite time taking its toll nothing ever disconnected family.

I lived the past days in a condo unit my uncle owned, who lives in the US right now, with my brother and cousins. It was a great time getting to know their lives now and recall what it was years back – meeting their friends and just having a good time.

Ultimately I needed this, it was a break off what seemed to me a world that would never change, my reality – but to only realize that what I am going through is just another fantasy, my real world is where my family is.

By the way, Happy new year! Let’s smash 2017!

A Mental Note : FOCUS


These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 


Overthinking Sucks.

In lieu of a long post I’ll be writing a shorter one, a one that gets to the point. All in the name of emphasizing just the right amount of thinking. So I just hit 20 and something just clicked in my head and suddenly I was normal again. I figured that the adult factor gave me some leeway to do, say and express whatever I wanted. False because I already had the right to even from the start. Upon realizing it I forced myself back to its roots which was – you guessed it – overthinking.

To all of you reading this and tend to overthink 101% of the time, I know it’s hard but just let it go. I constantly tell myself to go with the first decision in my head because really what’s there to think about? If it’s something I need to do that requires some form of good faith, why do I have to decide what to decide when I know well I’m a good person. Really. Just do it.

You’ll then find yourself laughing to the fact of how much you yourself can surprise you. Believe in yourself – if it’s the right time and situation you’re subconscious will do the job well and if it wasn’t? You will learn so that next time a similar event comes around you’ve got a little bit of confidence to drive automatic.

Overthinking sucks. Don’t do it. Think twice not thrice but still, of course despite all this – never stop thinking.


Take a listen to this before you leave.



On Thinking Too hard.

As an Architecture student, I strive to get past myself (I’m not sure about others but that’s me). You could go so far thinking about Architecture as compositions of columns, beams and walls and spaces, but I believe it’s more than that.Just a year ago I approached an impenetrable wall. It was so high – too high in fact that I thought “crap, how am I suppose to get over this?”. It was a wall between me and my own creativity.

You see, creativity was something I had to really  seek, not like others who already had it from the start and went along with it for their whole lives, and I used to be that kind. Anything goes, but I was very young back then, playing with LEGOS, drawing and experimenting, and it really is true! The older you get, most of the time, you lose that inner creativity. Lucky enough I took such an amazing course that forcefully released that inner self of mine shouting to get out. Back to the wall.

I distinctly remember myself taking down notes and sketching ideas on a black notebook I bought and ended in a loop every “new” (redundant) idea I had. I literally went no where. It was as if the day repeated itself all over again every SINGLE time. I never really realized it then, but I was thinking too hard. You see, Creativity I believe is nonchalant and free and given that it’s something I believe is unique in every one. It’s not something you think about, it’s just there waiting for you to free it. From what I learned the Thinking shackles the Creativity.

Okay okay I know what you’re thinking “How the hell can y995071_701617313225186_1915145818609813432_nou come up with ideas if you don’t think??” Well here’s one question I have for you “Can you tell me in full detail how you think?” You can get away with the “I first analyse this and that then arrive into a conclusion bla bla bla” but really can you? Can you visualize the stuff going on in your brain on the moment you read that question? I think not. That previously quoted line is a form of thinking too hard, from it you usually get nothing but floppy ideas that literally can’t stand on its own.

Amazing idea are the ones that just pop into your head, when you don’t think about it (Spoiler : We’re all creative!). It’s not something you wait for or think about but rather a reaction to something (Spoiler 2 : Inspiration). The idea is your subconscious’ reaction to the world, to a problem or to whatever needs ideas. That’s why many articles on creativity always tell you “Just Relax!” “Just do something!” because ideas are inspired and not thought about. Then once you get a harness with that “idea” That’s when you reinforce it and guide it with the thinking. It’s basically how creativity and logic work hand in hand.

Now a “year” has passed and I’m here writing this.  I too remember myself scratching my head for an idea to write about, I never really expected that the “idea” itself would be the topic of the day (Wow!) I myself still fall into the trap of thinking too much, maybe because of frustration, stress?, pressure or just trying to catch up. Even though I always put myself into a passive state, looking for that inspiring moment and I tell you – It never fails! (To get into the mood I sometimes hum random tunes or even do things I don’t like; an example? Dishes)

We think too much, maybe it’s time to slow down and just let life take over (for a while). That’s what we need in a world of robotic jobs and taken for granted days. Just a pause.

Here’s a song that inspired me to write this. Initially I wanted to write a poem of what I wanted to do, but then I thought of the catalyst to all forms of writing. 

I Think She’s My Soul Mate

Okay, so most probably Mom (or Dad) would be reading this, so hi Mom! Or Dad. Not that I’m expecting them to see it, if at all costs I’d rather hide this blog in some sort online vault with the most complicated password but then again I’m not insinuating that I’m entirely embarrassed of confessing my feelings here on this blog post about the person that I’ll be talking about today or tonight, wherever YOU are around the world. I’m actually pretty excited to put this down into words. AND sorry for that really long sentence, grammatically wrong but I’d prefer to get the point out there.

Meeting your soul mate is most probably the rarest thing to happen, I mean it’s not everyday you get to meet a person literally, let me repeat that LITERALLY the same as you. Putting into context the different mother and father that participated into bringing a child to this earth given that both parents are mutually strangers, chances are that someone there actually thinks the same way as you do is pretty rad, and freaky at the same time (the good kind). Cooler (freakier) than that is that you actually meet them. For me, I met her in college, ironically in a course that I considered to be my soul mate. (It’s Architecture by the way *winks*)

Her name’s pretty cool, so cool that I decided to keep it a secret from you knobby fellows who steal names for no valid reason at all. Given (again) that such burglars of names exist, I’d rather keep my guard up and seal her name down to the bones. Davy Jones? Too deep. But here’s what I can say, it’s a lovely name.

I posted months ago about my ideal girl(friend) stating facts and truths existing deep in my heart and soul, you could read it here and to my astonishment she fit. She literally fit the category, and I wasn’t even looking for her! Would you believe that? Love that was never found, FOUND! She fit so good that if I were to have a perfect shoe size, she’d be the one! (She IS not a shoe so please, back off. In case you’re thinking that *grins*)

To simplify her into a list, I’d most probably have a huge grocery list of only the stuff I want and all of them I NEED, which is extra nice. Imagine having a divinely proportioned meal balancing junk food and veggies, it’s like having a gourmet meal three times a day!

But realistically speaking, she’s everything that I most probably want and NEED in the future. I’ve read somewhere online that most people find their life partners at around the ages of 16-18+ and I think I hit a gold mine. She most probably is! Not that I’m jumping into conclusions or anything, nor am I saying all of this without putting into account the left side of my brain, it’s just that the solution fits! Logically she’s the one, romantically she still is the one! What else could I ask for?

She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s pretty, she’s most probably the greatest architect I’ve ever met (will meet that is when we do both become architects!) and she’s so much like the golden section! Read more here. She’s a boy scout (Yes, not a girl scout. She’s one of the females who got that chance to be one in her batch and she took it! That is so cool!!!!!) and she is definitely more resourceful than me! She’s open minded, logical and adventurous. And so many things! She’s like a cave that I want to explore and see the treasures inside, she’s a paradise!

I most probably will be judged by my clouded perspective since common sense of today says that when you’re in love you don’t really take into account the bads but screw that, in economics scarcity doesn’t exist with me and her, and the opportunity vs cost between her and I tips to the left more than to the right. So yes, she’s my Soul Mate.

One thing about love is that, you can never give some. You give it in full or you don’t, you take a risk and see what happens. No one can predict the future, and besides love not given in full is like eating chicken half cooked, and that’s bad.

Let me ask, what’s your “kind” of soul mate?

I Take On A Writing Challenge. [From The Daily Post]

English: A Knight in a re-enactment of the Bat...

English: A Knight in a re-enactment of the Battle of Tewkesbury. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hey there! I just found out about The Daily Post’s latest Weekly Writing ChallengeI’ve been keeping my eye on those for a while now, but I never had the stomach to take one on. But tonight’s a warm night and I’m feeling quite well of myself. The day has been good to me and I think I could handle one challenge.

For this week’s challenge the writer is to tell about a character in their life. It seems simple. But I won’t be doing exactly that. I haven’t met anyone in person that would be interesting enough to be turned into a sketch or story so I’ll be using a fictional character. A character that I created myself out of all the inspirations I’ve had in my life so far.

His name is Ivan. (Yes, I know – I used my name. But I like it) Ivan is a knight of the King’s guard in a kingdom of Greatness (I never had a thought about the kingdom, but Ivan’s the star here). In my story, he tells a story about the recent happenings in his day. (I’ll be writing this introspectively, I feel it would be a lot better if I wrote it in “Ivan’s” point of view.)

Ivan The Knight

The night is silent. A peculiar thing. I would usually hear the wolves of the weary woods howl their despairs, or the Keep’s stable horses huff and puff against the cold winds of the world, but tonight? it’s different. It is as if the world ceased to rotate, the mother earth refuses to live. But neither are true for I still sit here on my desk with my inked quill diligently writing another entry of today’s mishaps, while a lit candle dwindles as its remains melt into liquid.

If mishaps were a thing then I would be laden with such item. Not far into the day this morning I was to complete my first task as a man of the Knighthood. Ser Jory, captain of the King’s guard, personally handed it to me in the form of a scroll and to that I surmised that it must be of great importance.

The task wasn’t what I expected it to be. According to what was written, I was to deliver a basket of fruit to a lady outside Greatness and have it to her safely. I found it quite odd that a mere task of a street fool would be assigned to a knight. Don’t they see the insolence? But as a Knight, I vowed to do whatever there is provided by the captain and those who fall above me. And whatever task may it be, it shall be granted.

The ink has run out and I dip back for some more. The night is still silent and the moon still a sphere of radiance from the way I see it from my bedroom window. The candle still burning bright but slowly melting into nothing, the hearth still lightens the room with a crimson glow of fire. I don’t think I’ll be needing if it is lost.

It was when the sun started to set did I come back from my travel. The lady that needed fruit was old and frail, she walked with a swatting stick on hand trembling on every step. She had a companion though, a young boy in the primes of is youth, helping her. He took the basket from me and gave a curt nod and handed over three copper pieces. He waved back and returned to assist his Lady woman back. She herself nodded at me in approval while she looked into the contents of the weaved basket, rummaging as if in search of something deeper in it.

I came back to the castle quarters not long after and handed Ser Jory the pieces of copper. He still wore his armor, it gleamed silver against the glow of the hearth inside. I extended a hand to give, but he pushed it away and closed my fist around the coins. He looked at me with eager eyes and revealed a smile then left the room. Was this a sign of thanks? Maybe so, he did let me keep the reward. At the time I thought of going to the town Inn for a mug of ale, but I debated with myself and ended up deciding to take some rest instead.

I walked to the door of my room and opened the thick wood open. A gust of wind escaped, as if it were imprisoned for so long, sending shivers down my spine. The hearth was unlit and the sun slowly taking its final hours of the day leaving the room darker by the second. I moved towards to the looking-glass opposite the hearth. I examined my face, prodding my hardened jaws and cheeks. My eyes blinked to the sudden realization of how my silver eyes turned stark plain in time. I moved up towards the dangling streaks of my chestnut hair, brushing it up. It has grown very much since my cut a few months ago and I think I must shorten it soon. I squeezed my bony nose and chapped lips flowing downwards off the beard I’ve been wanting to grow. I glanced away.

 I’m not sure how long I looked at myself but the light started to dwindle, it started to get dark. I lit up the hearth with the few firewood I had and in seconds the room blasted in colors of red and yellow. A silhouette formed behind me by the light, flickering from the flame’s constant movement. The cold seemed to dissipate, slowly being overwhelmed by the warmth and by the end of the minute the room turned cozy warm.

I walked around disarming myself of armor untying leather harnesses here and there. I hung my breastplate against the door while I laid my visored helm on a table next to it. I put the rest in a potato sack and secured it with a tie. I took off my sweaty clothes and wore a fresh new tunic and trouser from a cabinet next to my bed. I stretched a bit and brushed off dust from my garments, which I thought to come from lack of use. I scarce wore casual clothing after becoming a knight. Day in and day out I’d always be in my breastplate and helm appearing gallant to those who see me. It’s an arduous feat to keep in it all day, especially during hot weather but colder days are just as difficult. But I’ve grown used to it in time, it somehow becomes lesser of a hard task by each day.

After much grooming I decided to calm myself down with quill and paper. To which now I find myself here. I spoke of mishaps at the first paragraphs but it turns out the day was not as close to it. I frown upon the fact that sometimes I overlook my days and see it differently and most of the time as a bad one. It’s a curse of my childhood that I’ve always doubted myself. Mother would tell me at these times “Ivan, my love, just believe.. the days are not divided but is a long strand of time, you are endless.” When I hear these words, my worries would start to fade and a confidence would seep into me. And even to this day I feel the same. All I had to do is remember it.

I left the table and set down my quill. I thought it would be better to only put into paper the things that occurred today and not my thoughts. I capped the bottle of ink and pushed the chair backwards and rose. I bend down to blow off the candle’s fire while I rolled into a scroll another entry of a day in my life and tucked it in a drawer.

As I walk to my bed, the wolves start to howl and the horses alive with annoyances. I myself was annoyed, for the expectation of a tranquil night was destroyed. Nonetheless I lay myself down on my straw stuffed bed, my side facing the hearth. As I stare deeper into the fires, I see the prancing horses of joyful Knights, a great feast in the long table of the court and an uncontrolled revel. Then darkness. I slept.