People not Objects

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I just recently lost something really important to me. I’ve never put in so much care and dedication to one thing and losing it was a huge blow. It was so weird to realize how much it actually affected me, it put me in a state of anger, hatred and negativity that it took me off guard.

Looking back I’m actually thankful that it happened. It opened my eyes to how much value I give to material things and how toxic it was. To a point out of anger I told my girlfriend it was more important than her – and that was wrong. SO WRONG. How can such a small thing make say things like that – objects are objects and people are people. They are not the same thing nor should they both have equal importance.

This experience has led me to rethink my life. To rethink how things affect how I feel and what truly matters to me. Today I let go of that, let go of the materialistic identity and transfer all the focus I had on it into things that truly matter the MOST. And that’s to my family, loved ones and people.

Deeply I am saddened. Saddened that I lost something that I worked really hard to get and experienced so many awesome events with it. But really all it was a medium to those experiences, as long as I’ve kept those everything’s fine.

So in the next time I do work for something – it’s not going to be about the value of it, but it’s the value I make with it.

A Mental Note : FOCUS

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These are mine. 

Just putting this one up here for later use. I might have to scroll down a bit to see this which is a good thing because hopefully I would be writing a lot more. Weird as well because usually I’d think about a sentence for quite a time and this time I’m just.. typing.

I’ll be going back to college in not more than a month and to be honest I dread it. I just hate it. When I go there I feel alone and damn I’m kinda tired of being “strong” for the wrong reason. It seems worthless if not only for me being there to become a licensed architect, but anything else? NAH. It’s a dread to stay strong man.

Stay strong being alone, despite the numerous people I’ve talked to, and stay strong to be used to that. I guess I’m just pissed off at the feeling that people just don’t really want to connect or when they do they come for me to refill their empty heads because they have nothing else to do. I’m sick of the fakeness of it all.

Stay strong trying to act as mediator between the language barriers I have to FACE every day there. I mean I want some communication but I just hate being fake about it. But I have to because man being myself just doesn’t make the cut and believe me I’m NOT awkward.

I’m calling myself out to focus because truthfully I NEED to stay strong for the brighter part of the small globe I’m on.

I need to focus on me getting out of there. I study, graduate and leave. It’s literally a sacrifice, a sacrifice for a long time I never accepted.  Back then when all this never happened I was excited. Excited to meet new people, to learn new things (which I did) and just explore this path I haven’t traversed yet and I was so damn excited about it. I did get to do all that but I didn’t expect it to be like what it is, which I’m sure shouldn’t be as how I’ve experienced it. So it’s a sacrifice and an act of patience for me to try to do that again once I get a clear opportunity to do so, a clean slate.

I’m staying strong for myself. Not for anyone but for myself and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I want to have a beautiful future with the people that matter to me most and I need to focus on that. I’m staying strong because I know that I am strong I don’t need to try to – I need to focus on that.

Being in a place that’s so different can do so many things to you. It can make you or break you. I choose to be broken. Broken into a person I knew I always should have been. In three years time, Cebu, you will be a memory. Something I want to keep as forever – I will focus on that.

This won’t stop me from coming back though because man, the beaches are so nice.

Here’s a song that I just recently put on replay for the past hours. Enjoy. 

 

DECLUTTERING FACEBOOK

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I was on my bed scrolling down and up through my Facebook timeline a while ago and it hit me – I’m literally walking in a sea of strangers. This made me think of how social media has made it so easy for people to come into our lives and for them to allow others into theirs so quickly. Not realizing how detrimental it is to real life and substantial connections.

With that thought I went in a mode of “decluttering” my facebook profile. So there I went unfriending and unfollowing (for acquaintances LOL) until I felt that scrolling up and down wasn’t that useless already.

Before I move on to my deeper thoughts here’s my checklist before unfriending/unfollowing someone:

1. ) You’re someone who I think won’t care for what I do

2.) You post uninteresting things. On a note it’s subjective.

3.) I just don’t know you.

Side note : I won’t because I think you’re cool.

On to the main show…

I actually did this because my timeline started to become a place of longing and fear. Longing for things I wish could happen in my life (which I needed to work on and be patient for) from people who I didn’t know or may not even care about me. Fear because this form of social media wasn’t social to me at all. Because all the people I cared about were drowned in a sea of people whom I thought I knew or were just plain strangers. And if facebook was all about connecting people you cared about I wasn’t able to do that.

I did this because I wanted connectivity and substance. To be part of things that the people I cared about cared about (what?) and see more of what I cared about in general. If I were to do this I needed to take off the weeds for new growth of something better.

So if you’re reading this and you have no affiliation with me on Facebook unfriend me. We’d both be doing ourselves a favor.

Thanks for reading!

I kinda wish I was more careful with accepting requests before. Here’s a song that I listened to while writing this. 

 

 

 

Overthinking Sucks.

In lieu of a long post I’ll be writing a shorter one, a one that gets to the point. All in the name of emphasizing just the right amount of thinking. So I just hit 20 and something just clicked in my head and suddenly I was normal again. I figured that the adult factor gave me some leeway to do, say and express whatever I wanted. False because I already had the right to even from the start. Upon realizing it I forced myself back to its roots which was – you guessed it – overthinking.

To all of you reading this and tend to overthink 101% of the time, I know it’s hard but just let it go. I constantly tell myself to go with the first decision in my head because really what’s there to think about? If it’s something I need to do that requires some form of good faith, why do I have to decide what to decide when I know well I’m a good person. Really. Just do it.

You’ll then find yourself laughing to the fact of how much you yourself can surprise you. Believe in yourself – if it’s the right time and situation you’re subconscious will do the job well and if it wasn’t? You will learn so that next time a similar event comes around you’ve got a little bit of confidence to drive automatic.

Overthinking sucks. Don’t do it. Think twice not thrice but still, of course despite all this – never stop thinking.

Cheers!

Take a listen to this before you leave.

 

 

Why I Stopped Caring

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From time to time I think about the direction of this blog, it’s theme and content. I do question sometimes how vulnerable I am putting up with it because this blog is LITERALLY my personal diary. I guess I don’t care much about vulnerability because someone out there might relate to things that occur in my life that I write down here and maybe benefit from it. I really don’t care. 

I laugh sometimes of how “lonely” my blog posts are because most of them address problems of depression and excerpts of the crap that goes on my head to cope up with the said depression. But then again I don’t care. I just really don’t.

Personally I think that great stuff evolve and just doesn’t happen then and there. Like great ideas may come randomly but really is just a result of whatever you did that day thus leading to it. So everything evolves – like the human race, movies with really stupid mind turning “WTH?” plot twists and confidently on my part this blog post.

So I guess I’ll tell you why it makes no sense to care. I’m not talking the kind of care you have for your family, close friends and loved ones. I’m talking about that care you have for what people think about you, the care you have for how you should be with the type of people around, the care for past and the future, the care that messes your head up.

I can relate to this because deep inside I battle with it everyday. Care. I could be called (but not anymore) the nice guy and even at some point I was so nice that I was questioned *in my dialect* “Baket ang bait mo?” or “Why are you so nice?” by this random girl that I had no affinity for, socially (No hate though). I’m battling with it right now, between those who can’t relate and would read this vs those who don’t. Expression vs Repression.

It makes no sense to “care” because it stops us from evolving. Stops us from being human because of the limits we put ourselves and on our intuition and belief in ourselves. This is what makes us human. I realized this a while back and since then I stopped caring.

I stopped caring because I wanted to feel more, be in tune with my own happiness. To do what I WANTED because I wanted to do it because it made me happy.

I’m sick of caring of how different I am in this place, of how people obviously treat me differently, of how lonely I get, of how people sometimes just suck, of how IT’S MY FAULT that I can’t run a conversation (but upon further speculation it really isn’t mine because I know I CAN TALK WELL), of how my future would end up like. I’m done caring. This is why I stopped caring.

Just Be Happy

A few months ago I viewed this certain aspect of life differently compared to what IT actually is. Sometimes I would even shrug it off and sacrifice it for things that would make me “happier” as if it were measurable. Which was the problem. To give you guys some depth I’m writing this in an internet cafe, which seems like one of my favorite places to write stuff, and it’s 2:00 am where I’m at.

I’m writing this because at this moment of my life I’ve realized something so bizzare and obvious that I’d kill my past self for not seeing it, happiness is a choice. Well I guess I could say I already knew it, we all do, but to really grasp the choice of it is something else.

A famous youtuber went through depression and documented his whole transformation to what he is right now a “happy” person and at one point he said “Comparison is the theft to happiness“. It made so much sense to me because at the time everything that I did was something that needed comparison to, not necessarily to people but to all things. Right then and there I asked, why can’t I just leave it be? Why can’t I just be happy with it? Why not? And to tell you the truth I had no answer for it.

Realizing it, life in general is a pursuit of happiness or for happiness. We all want success, appreciation, love and all the good things – we all want to be happy. But we’re held back by the expectations of the pressures of society or our peers among many other things. But if you give yourself a chance to reevaluate “Am I happy?” “Why can’t I be?” “Who am I not to be?” “Who’s to stop me from being happy?”

It’s simple, no matter what the drawback is, let it be the hardest you’ve ever encountered because really eventually it will be okay. No matter what. So at times when adversity is present or absent just be happy and celebrate every little thing life has to offer.

On a side note

One random thought whilst proofreading this short write up – I truly believe that “being happy” is not equal to being “okay” with certain things – if you have the capability of pushing the envelope further than go for it! Never sell yourself short!

Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head

I remember when I was around 8 years old during parent-teacher meetings. My teachers would always complain how talkative I was in class. But right now, 11 years after, I am the complete opposite and is right now wondering why!

I can’t even care much about running a conversation with anyone and it’s been a pain to do so. And when times arrive where I have to be my best self I just fall of short of things to say. It’s as if my mind isn’t even functioning like it’s suppose to. I used to be so talkative! WHY NOW? WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST?

That’s why I came up with that title over there, “Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head“. And then I started to think about myself 11 – 10 years back. How can I be mature but then be my 8 year old self at the same time? Here’s three points that I came up with :

1.) Intuitive – I was very intuitive as a kid, I did things because I knew how it was done but I can’t necessarily explain it well. Even talking with others! I just said what I wanted to say. The issue right now is the issue of appropriateness. Overtime I learned the ways but right now I shouldn’t be over thinking it. Just be REAL!

2.) Fearless – One thing I can vouch for was how assertive I was. I knew what I wanted and I would do anything to get it! (Which had downsides because I was sort of a brat, but a smart brat haha!) I should have a little more confidence in myself. No more thinking thrice.

3.) Careless – Literally careless of everything, most of everything at least. I wasn’t much of a savage to not know my limits, I had a pretty high E.Q as a kid if you didn’t know.

In this generation where social media takes over and everyone’s becoming more self conscious of themselves and what people think of them it’s hard not get caught up in all of it. Which is now my mission to care less! But also care more for the things and people that matter to me.

I was thinking of having just three because it sounded and looked like the perfect number but let me sneak one in.

4.) Never Sweat The Small Stuff – All of the above was because of my pure confidence and whenever adversity crept through my life as a kid I’d just shrug it off. It’s a thing my mom always told me and I to her as well “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”