Why I Stopped Caring


From time to time I think about the direction of this blog, it’s theme and content. I do question sometimes how vulnerable I am putting up with it because this blog is LITERALLY my personal diary. I guess I don’t care much about vulnerability because someone out there might relate to things that occur in my life that I write down here and maybe benefit from it. I really don’t care. 

I laugh sometimes of how “lonely” my blog posts are because most of them address problems of depression and excerpts of the crap that goes on my head to cope up with the said depression. But then again I don’t care. I just really don’t.

Personally I think that great stuff evolve and just doesn’t happen then and there. Like great ideas may come randomly but really is just a result of whatever you did that day thus leading to it. So everything evolves – like the human race, movies with really stupid mind turning “WTH?” plot twists and confidently on my part this blog post.

So I guess I’ll tell you why it makes no sense to care. I’m not talking the kind of care you have for your family, close friends and loved ones. I’m talking about that care you have for what people think about you, the care you have for how you should be with the type of people around, the care for past and the future, the care that messes your head up.

I can relate to this because deep inside I battle with it everyday. Care. I could be called (but not anymore) the nice guy and even at some point I was so nice that I was questioned *in my dialect* “Baket ang bait mo?” or “Why are you so nice?” by this random girl that I had no affinity for, socially (No hate though). I’m battling with it right now, between those who can’t relate and would read this vs those who don’t. Expression vs Repression.

It makes no sense to “care” because it stops us from evolving. Stops us from being human because of the limits we put ourselves and on our intuition and belief in ourselves. This is what makes us human. I realized this a while back and since then I stopped caring.

I stopped caring because I wanted to feel more, be in tune with my own happiness. To do what I WANTED because I wanted to do it because it made me happy.

I’m sick of caring of how different I am in this place, of how people obviously treat me differently, of how lonely I get, of how people sometimes just suck, of how IT’S MY FAULT that I can’t run a conversation (but upon further speculation it really isn’t mine because I know I CAN TALK WELL), of how my future would end up like. I’m done caring. This is why I stopped caring.

Just Be Happy

A few months ago I viewed this certain aspect of life differently compared to what IT actually is. Sometimes I would even shrug it off and sacrifice it for things that would make me “happier” as if it were measurable. Which was the problem. To give you guys some depth I’m writing this in an internet cafe, which seems like one of my favorite places to write stuff, and it’s 2:00 am where I’m at.

I’m writing this because at this moment of my life I’ve realized something so bizzare and obvious that I’d kill my past self for not seeing it, happiness is a choice. Well I guess I could say I already knew it, we all do, but to really grasp the choice of it is something else.

A famous youtuber went through depression and documented his whole transformation to what he is right now a “happy” person and at one point he said “Comparison is the theft to happiness“. It made so much sense to me because at the time everything that I did was something that needed comparison to, not necessarily to people but to all things. Right then and there I asked, why can’t I just leave it be? Why can’t I just be happy with it? Why not? And to tell you the truth I had no answer for it.

Realizing it, life in general is a pursuit of happiness or for happiness. We all want success, appreciation, love and all the good things – we all want to be happy. But we’re held back by the expectations of the pressures of society or our peers among many other things. But if you give yourself a chance to reevaluate “Am I happy?” “Why can’t I be?” “Who am I not to be?” “Who’s to stop me from being happy?”

It’s simple, no matter what the drawback is, let it be the hardest you’ve ever encountered because really eventually it will be okay. No matter what. So at times when adversity is present or absent just be happy and celebrate every little thing life has to offer.

On a side note

One random thought whilst proofreading this short write up – I truly believe that “being happy” is not equal to being “okay” with certain things – if you have the capability of pushing the envelope further than go for it! Never sell yourself short!

Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head

I remember when I was around 8 years old during parent-teacher meetings. My teachers would always complain how talkative I was in class. But right now, 11 years after, I am the complete opposite and is right now wondering why!

I can’t even care much about running a conversation with anyone and it’s been a pain to do so. And when times arrive where I have to be my best self I just fall of short of things to say. It’s as if my mind isn’t even functioning like it’s suppose to. I used to be so talkative! WHY NOW? WHEN I NEED IT THE MOST?

That’s why I came up with that title over there, “Saying The First Thing That Comes To Your Head“. And then I started to think about myself 11 – 10 years back. How can I be mature but then be my 8 year old self at the same time? Here’s three points that I came up with :

1.) Intuitive – I was very intuitive as a kid, I did things because I knew how it was done but I can’t necessarily explain it well. Even talking with others! I just said what I wanted to say. The issue right now is the issue of appropriateness. Overtime I learned the ways but right now I shouldn’t be over thinking it. Just be REAL!

2.) Fearless – One thing I can vouch for was how assertive I was. I knew what I wanted and I would do anything to get it! (Which had downsides because I was sort of a brat, but a smart brat haha!) I should have a little more confidence in myself. No more thinking thrice.

3.) Careless – Literally careless of everything, most of everything at least. I wasn’t much of a savage to not know my limits, I had a pretty high E.Q as a kid if you didn’t know.

In this generation where social media takes over and everyone’s becoming more self conscious of themselves and what people think of them it’s hard not get caught up in all of it. Which is now my mission to care less! But also care more for the things and people that matter to me.

I was thinking of having just three because it sounded and looked like the perfect number but let me sneak one in.

4.) Never Sweat The Small Stuff – All of the above was because of my pure confidence and whenever adversity crept through my life as a kid I’d just shrug it off. It’s a thing my mom always told me and I to her as well “Don’t sweat the small stuff!”

On the top of my head #1 : Trying it out

I’m typing this and as I type I only think once and not twice. Period. It’s a really good exercise I believe to get your intuition out there and completely be yourself which is damn awesome because you literally don’t have to think too much about things. I really like this, ideas just keep flowing out of nowhere! Which is kind of the opposite when you think too hard to impress with your writing.

Sometimes I find myself in fits and tantrums between what I want to write and what should be written. Like a small dilemma between a kid’s imagination and adult cynicism. I remember once a year back when wordpress had a caption on the bottom of your draft saying “Just Write.” I really loved it but never truly did it. For one thing it keeps you fresh and on check it’s almost similar to being in a 5 star restaurant with Gordon Ramsay as the expediter, YOU CANNOT STOP. With his “taste, taste, taste!” Mantra, doing this kind of thing would be “Think, think, think!” 

Seriously I’m loving this I literally haven’t stopped typing and it’s 4:00 am and my keyboards just rattling with taps and what not, hopefully it doesn’t disturb the neighbors! Otherwise I wouldn’t really care.

I’m not sure what to call this, possibly a new rising writing challenge or maybe a sloppy overused idea? Nonetheless I’ll be doing more of this. Just writing on the top of my head.

Have a try on it, trust me it’s great fun!

Be Happy Alone


Cover photo of Last Dinosaurs’ latest single, Evie. I loved this one because it has some optical illusion going on, have a closer look at it yourself 

This will be a short one due to the limited minutes I have here in this cozy yet lonely cafe. Usually it’d be filled with students from the college across the street which I jokingly may call savages because once they get into a game with their peers time isn’t of the essence anymore not even morals.

I’ve touched on this subject multiple times and I just can’t seem to get over it. It’s a mix of personal and unchangeable variables that keep intact every time I think about it, which is the happiness and sadness of being alone. I don’t consider myself completely alone – right now I can because of summer being such a long drag and everyone’s just doing their own thing and me still existing in the same old dorm that I stayed in for the past two years. I long for a change of scene and it’s not happening.

I always like to believe that there would be much better things for me beyond my current predicament, which obviously, would be true even for anyone as time goes by aaaandd even though I constantly fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.

I find myself in pity thinking of my current social life, so much potential! But almost completely wasted. Deep inside though, I can’t truly blame myself for it, I’m literally in a place where people such as I go through a filter of bias with no expectation by the locals to even fit in. Despite me being the same nationality as everyone else, people still don’t seem to understand that and continue on with their lives treating me, rather poorly, as “one” of them. Now to that I can say I’m alone.

*Leaves booth and extends time left to an hour*

It’s not a completely sad story really, in fact it isn’t even a sad one. It’s only sad if you see the depressing part of it or simply seeing anything about being alone depressing and sad. As an individual I don’t really find myself scared or fearful, I know I can make things happen for me at times when I need to, I don’t even find myself anti-social in any form. And as of this moment I’ve made peace with the facts that life isn’t always going to be easy or expected to be and all it really takes is time and a certain mindset filled with compassion, inspiration, focus and thankfulness for what you have right NOW. And to that I can say I’m pretty happy alone.

Truly in the end, all that matters is how much you can handle being alone. To the point where happiness can be found anywhere by yourself or from others. It becomes an option because of all the varieties out there!

One piece of advice – don’t do the same thing again and again! Once you feel the monotony from doing one thing do something else, because the worse thing you can get caught in is in your own thoughts (Monotony does that!).

Being alone right now, I can tell, that your BEST friend would be your mind and you need to constantly lead it to the right track. Unless you want to go crazy

Minimalism Is Honesty

According to Wikipedia Minimalism is

 “In the visual arts and music, minimalism is a style that uses pared-down design elements.”

Or basically style that is stripped down to what actually is or “honesty”. In lifestyle it’s all about downsizing and living with things that you really need, thinking of the things that are only important and so on. There is more to it in terms of architecture (space), music and writing (Literary Minimalism)

minimalism-quotes-6I’m not aiming to bare down facts because trust me I only know these things on surface value but in this point of my life I need change. Personally I believe that I am a born “minimalist” I was always and constantly attracted to simplicity, meaning, efficiency, organization and true expression through intelligent simple ways. And putting my life down on a piece of paper? It would show shocking images of clutter and things just going everywhere, physical clutter, mental clutter, clutter etc.

I’ve gone through some tough trials for the past 2 years since independent living pertaining emotionally, socially and physically. Experiencing these, I needed a medium for change. I kept asking why? Where was the source? Through my search I found out about minimalism. When I found out about how people lived minimalist lives I was hooked instantly.

4bf812abdb1d1d46d86814a771ef7a26Instantly hooked to the efficiency, simplistic beauty, and sophistication. It’s amazing how much clutter you can free from your life. Downsizing to things I only need is right now helping me focus on my happiness and on things that I care about. My growing capsule wardrobe literally takes my 5 minute picking of what to wear down to less than a minute. And I’m starting to save up money because I have things right on track, I don’t need to get things I don’t need anymore!

What’s funny is how simplicity is often mistaken as a sacrifice. “You can’t look good being simple”, “you can’t have a fun life being simple”, “simplicity is BORING”.

To think of it, it’s the complete opposite, they just don’t understand what simplicity is. It eliminates clutter – creates mind space to think of the important things – and physical clutter because why the hell do you keep things you don’t need!?

cp_120617_w01Done the right way simplicity would bring more meaning to life, and make spaces of living beautiful! (Just like how everything in that room is in harmony with each other.) There’s an equivalent to this, a concept by the architect Bjarke Ingels called “Hedonistic Sustainability”, non sacrificial sustainability.

I’ve started to turn into living a “simple” life because what I desire is harmony, meaning and quality. Quality over quantity and just the best of everything, even out of the smallest of things. Enough with the unnecessary complexity and clutter! It truly is beautiful to imagine a life in harmony where everything connects with each other and is there out of meaning and well thought out ideas, all because it is honest to itself.

On Failing and Keeping up Schedules

         It’s the start of the summer and new year’s resolutions aren’t going well as of the moment which makes me think how unreliable starts of the years are for me, which is kind of bad – actually no, it is bad! And I’ve been keeping up with hopefully achieving all these resolutions like getting better at Math, getting a bit more organized etc. for the past 3 years, which at the same time ago I never really cared about.

Okay, so, right, I don’t really have a knack for math. Yes, Math – specifically Calculus – even though any Mathematical topic before that I never did well – Or a knack for waking up early to go to a math class. And right now I’m suffering the consequences. It’s like reading a good book but then quitting in the middle because man it just isn’t good enough, or worse you’re not good enough for the book. I failed math.

I failed Math bad. It’s scary and depressing to think about. Firstly I just wasted a year’s worth of Math in terms of money, and my parent’s money that is, and I took one off from the limit of three fails of a Major before getting kicked out of the Architecture program. And listen, this is even worse, I failed another subject – solely because our professor couldn’t disseminate exam schedules. Two times I’ve walked into class completely flustered as to why my peers were writing stuff on a “blue” book and as I looked into them,their eyes were just as confused as I was. Luckily, this summer, a petition was made to have that class again for those who failed and those who didn’t deserve to.

Thinking this through, definitely, it is heartbreaking and any student who tries hard to keep up with a completely busy schedule whilst not failing would feel complete crap. I felt that way, and I’m feeling that way. I haven’t even told my parents but I will in a while, because you should be brave in the face of adversity! Wow Ivan, great going. Inspiration ftw! 

If you’re a college student and about to pick some subjects. Do NOT take subjects that you completely suck at in the morning. By morning I mean, unreasonably early. It’s nice to have a cushion between subjects, just like having a great breakfast – which I believe should be blueberry pancakes, a warm cup of coffee plus some of those organic stuff to contrast the decadent sweetness and heavenly nature of those blueberry pancakes – would start your day off just perfect.

And I’m keeping up a schedule now. This blog has been an on and off thing and I’m deciding that this summer break would be a change for me. So I’ll be conjuring something  up every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday! Which is awesome because man 4 is a cool number and I have some motivation to write more.

Here’s one way to look at failure

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

Thomas A. Edison

Failing sucks and if you’ve ever failed some point in your life may it be big or small, do let me know in the comments!

And If you found this one a fun read, I’d be very grateful if you shared this on your Facebook, twitter or email to anyone who’d like to read it. Thanks!